Underlying Conspiracy
by chayron
Summary: Complete. Shounen-ai. Goku x Vegeta. Earth is in danger again, and Goku and Vegeta go on a mission to save it. While carrying out the mission they discover the truth about themselves, the anime and the entire fandom. Language!
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money from this.  
Warnings: Yaoi (male x male). Goku x Vegeta. Set before GT which actually doesn't even exist in this fic.

Summary: Earth is in danger again, and Goku and Vegeta go on a mission to save it. While carrying out the mission they discover the truth about themselves, the anime and the entire fandom.

A/N 1: Hey, I'm back to DBZ fandom. I wonder if anyone still remembers me. Ah, you know how they say: East or West home is best ^_^ Anyway, I thought I'd start to post UC later, but as it's Christmas and the story kinda also starts with Christmas thematic… And the mood is also light, so what the hell, I thought.

A/N 2: Keep in mind, that I started writing this fic more than three years ago. From time to time, I would add chunks to it until it has shaped out as it is now. So in some places it's really lame, but ah well. It's my first attempt at a humorous story. I hope I will manage to make you crack a smile. The later chapters are better. Naturally.

A/N 3: Besides UC, I have also started working on another story. That one is serious and…well, I really, really like how it's turning out. So sooner or later I'll also start posting that one.

A/N 4: the progress on my fics can be found on my live journal (at my profile).

**Underlying Conspiracy**

by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 1

Vegeta was busy. It was one of those days when nothing worked out as planned. He was trying to fry eggs. But the only thing coming out of the kitchen was the sound of his curses and muttering.

"I swear, one day I'll kill her," the prince cursed when frying oil decided to start jumping and spitting in the pan. "I fucking swear!" he yelped, rubbing his right hand.

"Vegeta, honey, don't forget to take Trunks to school." Bulma's mother stuck her blond head through the kitchen door.

"Alright! Go to hell! I remember!" Vegeta shook his fist at the spitting pan where ten eggs were loudly sizzling. "And stop staring at my ass!"

Bulma's mother rolled her eyes. "I don't know where you got that idea. You even aren't my type…"

"Yeah?!" Vegeta spat back at the frying pan. "So who gave me those shorts made only of strings for Christmas?!"

"But, honey, you were just so excited to open all the presents! It was meant for my husband!" Bulma's mother waved her hands frantically in irritation, remembering how last year Vegeta had claimed all of the gifts under the tree in the name of Vegeta-sei. "That swimsuit, which you completely ruined by putting it on, was for me! And that vibrator was Yamcha's present to Bulma!" The blond woman's hand suddenly traveled to her mouth, trying to shove the words back, which, of course, was impossible.

"WHAT?!" Vegeta turned around, his eyes ablaze, his right hand holding a wooden spatula for turning eggs. "Fucking bastard! I'll teach him to cross me!"

Suddenly Vegeta was gone, leaving the blonde to stare at the new hole in the roof. "Oh my," she muttered after a while, "I'd better phone Goku."

XXXXX

Goku got to Yamcha's just in time. Almost. Anyway, he was in time to find Yamcha with burn marks on the side of his face that suspiciously resembled the shape of a spatula. There were two new doors in Yamcha's flat: one made by Vegeta entering, another made by him leaving.

Goku observed Yamcha. Yamcha looked back at Goku. Goku scratched his head.

"Want some ice?" Goku finally asked.

"Yes, thank you," Yamcha sighed, gathering himself from the floor.

"What the hell happened?" Goku asked while ransacking the fridge.

"Someone told him what I gave Bulma for Christmas." Yamcha gratefully took the bag of ice from Goku's hand and pressed it to his face.

Goku blinked at Yamcha. "I'm a bit afraid to ask, but what did you give Bulma?" He sat down on the chair opposite Yamcha.

"Mrfmtbgh...mgpgh…" Yamcha said.

"Yes, I want to know," Goku opposed.

"Vrpthgj," Yamcha said.

"Could you remove that bag from your mouth?" Goku sighed. No, sometimes he could swear that he was the brightest of them all.

"It hurts," Yamcha complained. "I said I gave her a vibrator." He put the bag of ice back on his face.

Goku stared at Yamcha for some time then sighed. "Alright, then this is what I can't understand: when did you become so suicidal and how come you are still alive?"

"He said he left something frying on the stove," Yamcha shrugged.

"Ah." Goku said. Then he thought a moment. "Not anymore. The eggs were perfectly fried when I last saw them. And tasted good too."

There was an enormous roar then a swish of air as the enraged prince appeared against Goku.

"Kakarott! The blonde told me that you ate my eggs!" the prince seethed. "I fucking have been trying to fry them all damn morning! And you fucking come and fucking eat them! I fucking hate you! And you fucking-"

"I'll buy you dinner," Goku sighed, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

Vegeta stared at Goku, his mouth open, ready to shout and curse more, his left eye twitching.

"Chichi," Goku said into the phone, "I'll be home in a few hours. Yeah, sure. Have to feed Vegeta. What do you mean he can take care of himself? You know that he can't! Remember what happened last time he tried to make a stew? Yeah, that's what I'm telling you," Goku nodded to no one in particular. He looked at his watch. "I don't know. Might take a long time – Bulma has been gone for almost a week now. He must be pretty hungry. How should I know?" Goku demonstratively rolled his eyes at the ceiling where a fourth door had been made by Vegeta returning. Goku shrugged, observing Vegeta. "At least he looks pretty hungry to me."

"Shut up," Vegeta glared at him.

"Alright, have to go," Goku finished the call. He looked at Vegeta whose attention was concentrated back on Yamcha. "Vegeta, we have to hurry up, they close restaurants very early these days…" Goku tried.

"What?" Vegeta snapped out of it, and stopped his growling and staring at Yamcha. He turned back to Goku. "So are we going or what? I prefer to finish this on a full stomach."

"Fine," Goku rolled his eyes. "You are so childish sometimes that it amazes me." He shot into the air through the third door. Vegeta followed him through the fourth one.

"You are so stupid most of the time, that it doesn't amaze me at all anymore," Vegeta spat back. "Besides, did you hear what he gave my Woman for Christmas?! Like she needs that! On Friday, before she went away, we-"

"Shhh," Goku frantically waved his hands before him, "I really don't want to know this. I really don't. But if it would help – I agree that Yamcha asked for it. Just don't kill him."

"Hah!" Vegeta snorted. "Death from my hand would be too generous a gesture! I'll just kick his fucking bones around this fucking city several times!"

"Could you stop cursing?"

"Fucking no!"

"I understand that you are angry and hungry which makes you even angrier, but please?"

Vegeta glared at Goku but this time kept silent.

"Thank you." Goku nodded. "So what do you want to eat?"

"Everything," Vegeta immediately answered.

"I doubt I have enough money…" Goku faltered.

"You fuc…" Vegeta stopped himself. "You invited me to dinner and you are going to pay for it!" he snorted.

"Alright, don't worry," Goku sighed, checking his wallet. "Err…" he sounded a bit unsure. "When is Bulma coming back?"

"After a week or so…" Vegeta suspiciously eyed Goku. "You invited me to dinner…"

"Aright, alright, you'll get your dinner," Goku put his wallet back into his pocket. "You know, you should learn to cook. At least basic things."

"I don't need that! I have my Woman to do that for me!"

"Well, but it would be good in times like this…"

"In times like this I have you to buy me dinner," Vegeta snorted.

"You know, if MY woman gets to know that I have been feeding you all this week, she'll break my legs, and then YOU will have to buy me dinner."

"Deal!" Vegeta smirked. "I'll pay her to do that!"

"You have no money."

"Right," Vegeta cursed.

"You should have married her, so you at least would have been able to use some of the money…"

"Can't believe that I'm hearing that from you…" Vegeta rolled his eyes.

"Why not? You look after Trunks, well…sometimes. You defend the Earth…well…sometimes. You should at least be able to buy some food," Goku nodded his head seriously.

"Are you trying to tell me to rebel?" Vegeta chuckled.

"Nah," Goku shook his head. "Gods no. I'm telling you to marry her and then to rebel, like I do."

Vegeta got a thoughtful look on his face. "Hmmm…are you sure it's a good idea? When I look at you and your harpy…there's not much of a rebellion from your side. More from hers…"

"Bulma's not much better either…" Goku stuck his tongue out at Vegeta.

"So are you telling me to marry or are you trying to talk me out of it?"

Goku scratched his head. "Well, I wasn't talking seriously, but…dunno…might be a good idea after all… You both seem to fit nicely…almost…why not?"

Vegeta got a thoughtful look on his face. Oh, he knew why not. He knew plenty of 'why nots'.

XXXXX

Goku belched loudly, patted his stomach then excused everyone who stared at him with their mouths open.

"You have no manners at all," Vegeta notified him.

"You have enough for both of us," Goku rolled his eyes.

"You know, I swear, you are from the Stone Age!" Vegeta muttered.

"Have Saiyans already passed the Stone Age? I thought they hadn't even reached it," Goku snorted.

"One more joke like that, and I'll fucking rip your head off," Vegeta growled.

"Who would buy you dinner then?" Goku chuckled, fishing out something green from his tea and tossing it on the table.

Vegeta scowled at him.

Goku was silent for some time. "Actually I never thought you would ask me to take you somewhere to eat in the first place…" he scratched his head.

"I didn't ask! I ordered you to take me somewhere to eat!" Vegeta crossed his hands and stuck his nose high in the air.

Goku shook his head, trying to show that he knew better. "I was very, very surprised. In a good way, I mean," he quickly added. "It used to be that you tried to kill me most of the time. I prefer dinners to death. But it happened very fast. I mean, last night you threaten to kill me, this morning you show up and ask me to take you to dinner…"

"I didn't fuc… I didn't ask! I told you that I would kill you if you didn't take me to dinner!"

"That doesn't count," Goku shook his head. "When you used to threaten things like death, you at least looked serious. This time you were damn blushing."

Vegeta's eyes widened. "I wasn't!" he spluttered.

"Yes, you were. You were all red. Have never seen you red before. Well, unless from anger, but you really didn't seem to be angry..."

Suddenly wishing that he had some stronger stuff, Vegeta downed a full glass of lemonade in one gulp. "I was sunburnt!"

"In that case you heal very fast… Come on, why have you been blushing?" Goku grinned.

Vegeta inhaled sharper, his eyes widening even more. "It's my natural color when I'm hungry!"

Goku grinned wider. "Why have you been blushing, Vegeta?" Suddenly alert, Goku jumped to his feet. "Yamcha!"

Vegeta was on his feet too. "Someone killed him! Before me?! Bastards!" He shot to the door after Goku.

XXXXX

Yamcha was lying in his bombarded flat in a puddle of blood. His face was white and he was convulsively shaking. He coughed a lot.

"Oh my god! Yamcha!" Goku gasped after he appeared in Yamcha's flat. "Do you have Senzu Beans?"

"They don't help," Yamcha weakly shook his head, his voice just above a whisper.

"What?! How can they not help?!" Goku was beginning to panic. "They always help! How can they not help?! Oh my God, oh my God! They have to help!"

"Shut up," Yamcha whispered. "I know better – I tried."

"Hospital!" Goku said, finally regaining his composure. "Vegeta, Senzu Beans don't help!" Goku attached himself to Vegeta who had just flown in through the second door. "What should we do?! He's dying!"

"Really?" Vegeta looked at Yamcha who was lying on the floor. The prince didn't look very upset.

"Stop that, Vegeta!" Goku moaned in fear. "Can't you do something? Maybe you have more Senzu? Maybe Yamcha's Senzu was too old and ineffectual?!"

Vegeta looked at Yamcha again. "Don't think so. It might be similar to when you had that heart disease – Senzu couldn't help you either."

Goku moaned again. "We have to take him to a hospital!"

"No, no hospital," Yamcha groaned weakly. "Don't move me."

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Baba appeared on her crystal ball. "A hospital won't help him," she said.

Goku attached himself to Baba. "So what can we do?!"

"What the fuck happened here, anyway?!" Vegeta roared, finally losing his patience completely.

Everyone shut up.

Baba floated on her crystal ball for some time then began to talk: "I felt a huge magical interference on the Earth before Yamcha was attacked. Someone broke through from another level to our world and settled inside Yamcha."

"What?!" Goku and Yamcha shouted together.

"If it's the creature I suspect, nothing can help," Baba shook her head sadly. "The creature will feed on him until Yamcha dies. Unless…" she raised a finger after Goku had whined in fear, "…unless you find a magical flower."

"Magical flower?" Goku asked, his hopes rising. "What magical flower? Where can we find it?"

"It's a flower called Mafaqua. Nobody knows where it grows. I'm even not sure if it exists at all. But that flower has the power to abolish all magical activity around it. It could help to get rid of that creature that is in Yamcha."

"So how do we find it if we don't know where it grows?! And what does it look like?" Goku was impatiently pacing across the floor.

"It has a very big blue blossom. The middle of it is white. And it smells of strawberries," Baba said, matter-of-factly.

"Considering you don't know if it exists at all, you surely know what it looks like…" Vegeta said suspiciously.

"See," Baba unfolded some paper and stuck it under Vegeta's eyes. "This is the original drawing. My great-great-grandmother did it."

"So why don't you know if it exists?" Vegeta tried to scratch the picture with his finger, but Baba smacked his hand.

"Because everything happened a very, very, very long time ago. It was the same as now: the hungry creatures from the other level broke through. They fed on everything that was alive. It would have been the end of the world if not for my great-great-grandmother finding the Mafaqua flower and performing the necessary rituals. She was able to kill the creatures and shut the door between the worlds. What I don't know is if there are any more of these flowers left."

Vegeta looked at Yamcha then his face got a bit more serious. "So, you foolish woman, what you are saying is that without that damn flower, those creatures are going to break through and kill us all?"

"Exactly," Baba nodded. "I know that this is going to be a very hard mission for you both, but great-great-grandmother left a clue as to where the flower can be found (if it can be found at all)."

"Us both?" Vegeta blinked. "I'm not going anywhere. My Woman just bought me a new PC and a Tomb Raider XV CD!"

Baba climbed off her crystal ball. She spat on it then wiped the ball with her skirt until it began to shine.

"What are you doing?" Goku looked past her shoulder at the ball.

"I'm trying to see the future," Baba replied gloomily.

"Do I have more children?" Goku clasped his hands happily behind Baba.

Before Baba could say anything, the ball began to glimmer.

"Blast!" Baba cursed Goku. "Do you know how long it takes to recharge it?! No more questions!" she tried to see something in the fogged ball. Then she shook her head. "No. Only Gohan and Goten." She muttered something under her breath. The crystal ball hissed, changed its color several times then Baba plastered her face to it, blocking the view.

About five minutes later Goku and Vegeta still stood behind Baba, their faces now taking on annoyed expressions.

"And?" Vegeta asked finally.

Baba turned around. "Goku can not accomplish this mission alone. The spirits are telling me that he has to take a brave and powerful Saiyan prince with him or otherwise he will fail. Indeed, without the prince's spirit and power Goku is destined to fail," she said in a resonant and mysterious voice.

"Vegeta, please," Goku whined. "The Earth is at stake!"

Vegeta stood there hardly hearing anything, his chest puffed out, his clouded eyes seeing visions of the future and oncoming battles. He smirked and rubbed his hands in excitement. "I don't know…"

Baba rolled her eyes at the prince. Yamcha glared at him from the floor.

"Please…" Goku pleaded. "I'll buy you dinner, no I'll feed you for a month!"

Baba's eyes widened, she looked at Vegeta, her brow raised questioningly, but Vegeta didn't see anything through his still clouded eyes.

"Two months and you have the deal!" Vegeta rubbed his hands again.

Goku pulled his wallet out and began to count the money. "I don't have that much," he complained after several seconds. "Month and a half?" he asked, his pleading eyes making Vegeta squirm.

"Oh, all right," sighed Vegeta. He looked at Baba. "So where is that damn flower? You mentioned some clues or something."

Baba began to fidget with her crystal ball. "Err… Yes. Well, you see, my great-great-grandmother had been very careful that nobody would find Mafaqua, so she sort of concealed the exact place where it's found. She left only this piece of paper," Baba reached for the drawing that she had previously shown Vegeta.

Vegeta stared at the big, blue flower on the paper. "It reminds me of a blue camel…"

Baba frowned at him discontentedly. "My great-great-grandmother was an inimitable artist!"

"Exactly," Vegeta nodded smirking. He pointed at the drawing. "I bet nobody had ever thought to draw blue camels before her…"

Intrigued, Goku looked closer at the drawing. "It's a cat. See – it has four paws and a tail. I don't know why it's green and why it looks like it's been run over by a car, but it's a cat."

Baba began to splutter, but then decided that it was not worth it. She turned the paper over. "There is the first clue." She screwed her eyes while trying to decipher it. "Damn. I forgot my reading glasses."

"Give it to me," Vegeta impatiently snatched the paper from her hands. "Aha." He began to read. "Sun is hot, pyramids are high, desert is endless and everything is yellow." Vegeta stared at the paper in his hand gob-smacked.

"And?" Goku impatiently shifted from one foot to another.

"That's it," Vegeta blinked at the paper, still in disbelief. "What the fuck is that?!" he then turned to Baba. "Your granny was a fucking idiot! Is this supposed to rhyme or what?! I told you it was a blue camel!"

"Vegeta, stop insulting Baba's bloodline!" Goku smacked Vegeta on his forehead. "Shhh… Baba, don't cry," Goku patted Baba on the shoulder. "You know he didn't mean that. Your great-great-grandmother was a great artist! I bet nobody else can draw a dead cat like she can! I know I couldn't, even if I tried very hard," Goku tried to soothe Baba.

Baba sniffled. "Thanks, Goku. It's a flower but thanks anyway."

"So it sounds pretty much like Egypt," Vegeta pondered. "And the Sahara Desert generally. Don't tell me we will have to dig up that entire desert to find that damn flower…" he looked at Baba almost pleadingly, before his features narrowed into a scowl. "We'd better not, because when I find those spirits who suggested taking me along on this journey…"

"No," Baba shook her head. "I know exactly what she is talking about. For some time my ancestors lived in Egypt. Try looking in the old house of the Sphinx.

"The Sphinx?" Vegeta blinked. "And how do you suggest we could look inside it?"

"There's a secret passage," Baba said. "Count two hundred sixty seven bricks from the left paw. You'll see from where to start counting – there's one brick a bit darker than the rest. After you've counted, push the two hundred sixty seventh brick as hard as you can and a passage should open. I have no idea where she could have put that flower, so you'll have to search very carefully."

"So why the hell aren't you coming yourself?" Vegeta snorted.

"I'm too old and too scared," Baba calmly said. "Why do you think my family doesn't live in Egypt anymore? It's too hot and the skeletons are too vicious. Besides, lack of humidity is very bad for my beautiful face."

"Your beautiful face?"

"Skeletons?"

"Oh yes, and mummies and other undead things," Baba brushed her palm over her cheek.

"Okay…" Vegeta shrugged. He folded the paper and put it into his pocket. "Kakarott, we meet after half an hour at the Lookout. Bring water, food, whatever. Leave Knobby at home. Let's go!"

Baba and Yamcha watched Vegeta and Goku leave through two different doors.

"Who's Knobby?" Yamcha asked, getting up from the floor and stretching.

"Goten's dog," Baba rolled her eyes. "Goku's been carrying him everywhere. The dog shits himself each time Goku flies."

"Disgusting," Yamcha frowned. "So you think they believed it?"

"I'm not sure about Vegeta, but Goku definitely did," Baba answered. She gritted her teeth. "I can't believe them! I spent the whole afternoon drawing that flower! It's not a camel! And it's not a damn cat! It's a flower!"

Yamcha scratched his head. "You mean cauliflower? It sure looked like cauliflower to me."

"Argh!" Baba reddened from anger. "It's not a damn cauliflower! It's just a blue flower!"

Yamcha rolled his eyes. "Okay, flower, whatever. You really think it'll work?"

"If not this, then nothing else will," Baba sighed.

XXXXX

Goku and Vegeta met at Kami's Lookout as planned. Goku was carrying a big backpack, and Vegeta was carrying several capsules on the belt around his waist.

"I take it your harpy wasn't at home?" Vegeta remarked.

"How did you know?" Goku asked, surprised.

"Well I don't know how about you, but certainly she must have heard about 'Capsule Corporation'…"

"You are a pain in the ass," Goku sighed. "I know about capsules. But since we have to stop training to go on this mission, I thought I should at least carry some weights."

"Don't tell me that you packed your things in the capsules and that your backpack is full of stones…" Vegeta groaned in disbelief.

"Exactly," Goku confirmed, proudly.

Vegeta only sighed. "Let's go!" he rose in the air, motioning for Goku.

"Wait! Wait!" Piccolo shouted from a distance.

Goku and Vegeta turned to look at the Namek who was quickly approaching. They waited for him to land on the Lookout.

"Bulma wanted me to give you this," the Namek held out a small packet to Goku. "She said that you should open it only when in great need." He gave the packet to Goku.

"News spreads quickly," Vegeta rolled his eyes. "And me? Didn't she send anything for me?"

"No," Piccolo shook his head, making his green antennas swing. "But she said that you both would get a good use from the packet. Only open it when in a great need and when you have no other choice."

"Okay," Goku nodded, putting the small packet into his endless pocket.

"Good luck!" Piccolo waved at them. "And remember – many things depend on you!"

"Sure. Like always," Vegeta snorted, flying away. Nevertheless he waved back at the Namek.

"You know," Goku said after a good half an hour in flight, "I can't stop thinking about Baba and that crystal ball."

"Aha," Vegeta agreed. "You, too, are wondering how she recharges it?"

"Yeah," Goku nodded. "Actually I'm trying not to think about it. Considering that for some reason she straddles that ball all the time…"

"Shut up," Vegeta covered his ears, groaning. "Have some mercy…"

TBC


	2. Part 2

**animelover6000**: Well, we have dealt with that little problem and I won't come back to it. I hope you'll like the second chapter.

**Miako6**: Oh, I remember you reviewing my fics. I hope you'll also have fun reading this one :)

xxxxx

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money from this.

Warnings: Shounen-ai. Goku/Vegeta

**Underlying Conspiracy**

by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 2

Goku and Vegeta were flying over a forest. They had been flying for several hours already. Vegeta was on the verge of killing Goku. Not that it was something new, mind you.

"Shut the fuck up!" Vegeta seethed. "How you can sing the same song all the time?!"

Goku thought a moment. "Oh, oh, I remembered another song about a cow and a goose! We can sing together – it's a really easy song." Goku closed his eyes and opened his mouth:

"There lived two gooses near a stream.

There lived two gooses near a stream,

One white, one bl-"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Vegeta screamed, shaking his head furiously. "I'll fucking kill you! Argh!" He howled to high heaven in despair.

"I know another one, if you don't like that one," Goku apologetically smiled. He opened his mouth again.

"NOOOO! Enough!" Vegeta was all trembling. Then suddenly a salutary idea came to him. "Let's land to catch some food."

"Ah! That's a good idea!" Goku nodded happily. He felt a bit gloomy that his current attempts to make Vegeta reach Super Saiyan Three had been postponed, but food always came first. "I do feel a bit hungry." He slowed down and began to scan the seemingly endless forest underneath them. "I sense some ki over there. It feels like something big."

"It's the rainforest, idiot. You feel an elephant-herd," Vegeta rolled his eyes.

Goku's face fell. "No good. We can't eat an elephant."

"Well, I can bet you'll have no problems with eating it until some guy starts shooting at you for poaching…"

"Out of the question," Goku cut him off sternly. "We won't eat an elephant."

Vegeta rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He descended a bit lower and slowed down even more. "There," he motioned with his hand. "Should be a herd of wild boars."

Goku nodded his head. "Seems something like that." He followed Vegeta down into the dense forest.

They both landed and began hunting. As they neared the place where they had felt several ki sparks, it appeared that it was indeed a small herd of boars. The animals were peacefully grunting while calmly rummaging the ground under a big tree, trying to find something edible.

"Vegeta!" Goku whispered. "Vegeta!"

"What?" Vegeta muttered, sneaking towards the herd, ready to catch some fresh meat.

"They're just babies! We can't eat them!"

"Fucking unbelievable," Vegeta cursed silently. "Become a vegetarian, won't you?!" He stared at the herd, which was still oblivious to the two Saiyans. "Okay, I'll take that big one, you can have the smaller one."

"No, we can't! The babies will die without their parents!" Goku whispered.

Vegeta just sighed. "Okay. You eat apples and sandwiches from your backpack," he gave a slight cough, "I mean your capsules, and I'll have one of the parents. That big one, preferably."

Goku looked at Vegeta with tearful eyes. "You wouldn't, would you?" He shifted his eyes to the small, roundish piglets. "Please?"

Vegeta stared at Goku for a good while. "Sometimes I don't even know what to think about you," he finally said. He drew himself up and began walking back to Goku. The boar family behind his back quickly dashed deeper into the forest.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Goku danced happily around Vegeta.

"I'm still hungry," Vegeta glared at Goku and crossed his arms. "You'd better get me something to eat. And fast!"

Goku nodded happily. Then he decided firmly that he was going to try even harder to make Vegeta reach Super Saiyan Three. "Stay here, I'll find something soon!" he shot into the air.

XXXXX

Goku nibbled happily on the tasty bone that he had almost picked clean. "You know," he said, raising his head to Vegeta, who was sitting opposite the fire, "I wanted to thank you for coming with me. I know you can't stand Yamcha but I'm very grateful that you care for the people of Earth."

"Hn," Vegeta cut a small slice of meat from his chunk of boar with a knife. "I'm more worried about my own skin," he admitted calmly, putting the slice into his mouth.

Goku watched Vegeta take slices of cucumber and bread and eat them together with meat. Sometimes Vegeta could be unbelievable, but at least he had the decency to tell the truth. Goku greedily bit into a new chunk of meat, tearing off a good bite before continuing. "We should stay here overnight; it's getting dark," he said, munching.

Vegeta raised his head to the sky. "Why not," he shrugged after looking around. They had settled into a small clearing, and it didn't seem like a bad idea to set up camp.

"Anyways, good that we didn't kill those piglets," Goku proceeded, chewing on his meat. "And…the elephant…" he added, trailing off at the very thought.

Vegeta just sighed. He thought about how tasty those piglets would have been. "Do you always have such moral problems with your food?" He dipped his meat into the small puddle of salt on his napkin.

Goku gave Vegeta an annoyed look. "Look, I'm just being compassionate."

"Would you eat the piglets, if you were starving?" Vegeta questioned him. He carved another slice of his meat carefully.

Goku stared at Vegeta for some time. It seemed as if Vegeta was genuinely interested. After thinking a moment, Goku answered, "Yeah, I would." To his astonishment, he saw relief pass over Vegeta's face.

"Ah, at least that's good news," Vegeta nodded, content. "I thought you were already doomed."

"But I'd feel very bad afterwards," Goku added, frowning.

Vegeta rolled his eyes but didn't say anything.

They calmly finished their meal. When the time came to build a capsule house, it appeared that there wasn't enough space for two of them.

Goku nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders. "You can sleep in my house."

"I don't want to sleep in your house," Vegeta snorted. "You snore!"

"No, I don't!" Goku denied the accusation. "Chichi has never complained!"

"She wouldn't hear a cannon if it went off next to her ear!" Vegeta almost growled. "It's because your snoring has already shattered her eardrums!"

"Oh, shut up, Vegeta. It's too dark to look for a better place now. I don't want to get bitten by some poisonous snake or spider," Goku tossed his capsule into the clearing.

"Don't you dare shut me up!" Vegeta waved his fist under Goku's nose. "I can easily blast half of the forest away – then we'll have plenty of place!"

Goku all but bristled up. "To blast a rainforest?! That's a sacrilege!"

"A what?" Vegeta blinked. "What are you, one of those Green Peas?! That's the limit! A Saiyan in the Green Party?!"

Goku bristled up even more. "Earth needs protection in more ways than you can imagine! You so much as touch one damn tree here, and I'll fucking shove it up your ass!"

Vegeta stared at Goku. "Ah," he finally said. "So they didn't accept you, then?"

"No," Goku crossed his arms. "Bastards said that I eat too much. And it didn't matter when I promised not to eat meat. They said that I would still eat too many vegetables." He looked unhappily at Vegeta.

Vegeta tried, tried very hard, but couldn't force himself to console Goku on that matter. "Okay, let's go to sleep. If those skeletons really are as vicious as Baba said, we're going to need our rest," he motioned toward the capsule house.

Goku followed Vegeta into the house. It took another half hour before they finally managed to share the beds and then they went to sleep.

XXXXX

"Vegeta, Vegeta," Goku nudged Vegeta in his side. But Vegeta didn't show any intention of waking up. "And he was complaining about me snoring…" Goku muttered to himself. "Vegeta!" he shouted, now punching his companion in the side.

Vegeta bolted upright from his sleep, gasping and blinking. His wild eyes slowly concentrated on Goku. "What?! What?! Are we under attack?!" he gasped out, trying to get his bearings in the darkness and to remember if there was any good reason for Kakarott to be near his bed.

"Nah," Goku waved it off. "But I remembered another song!" he grinned happily at Vegeta. Goku opened his mouth to regale Vegeta with a new song.

When he finally ceased rolling his eyes, Vegeta could only blink in astonishment at Goku. He stared at Goku's mouth for some time. Then a roar filled up the capsule house.

XXXXX

Goku pinched his sore nose. It still had a plaster on it. He glared at Vegeta who was sitting across the table and eating his cereal with milk. He glared for some time, then intensified his glare even more, and then even more, until he felt that his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets.

"And good morning to you too," Vegeta nodded cheerfully to Goku.

Goku let out a mighty growl. He had to grab a glass of milk as he choked on his sandwich. "Bastard," he growled out after he took care of the sandwich.

They ate in a promising silence for some time.

"It's raining," Vegeta notified Goku after glancing outside through the hole in the wall, which he had sent Goku through the night before.

"I can fucking see," Goku muttered through his clenched teeth. "And hear," he added. "And even fucking feel," he trampled his foot on the floor where a puddle of water was becoming bigger and bigger. "You fucked up my capsule house."

"Well, technically…" Vegeta raised his finger meaningfully in the air. "Technically it was you who made the hole in the wall…"

Goku choked on his sandwich again. This time he proceeded growling even while gasping for air. He drew on his innate power to heighten the glare to astronomical levels. Goku was sure that nobody had ever given such a powerful glare to anyone before.

"Your milk is boiling," Vegeta warned Goku. He just sighed as, no sooner had the words left his mouth, than Goku's glass of milk simply exploded, covering Goku's face in milk. "Yes, morning beauty procedures are very important," Vegeta nodded seriously, finishing his cereal.

Goku crushed his sandwich in his palm. He wasn't sure – but it seemed that now it was Vegeta who was trying to make him reach a new level of Super Saiyan. He wiped the milk angrily off his face. "You'd better fucking hope that you reach Super Saiyan Three after this mission, otherwise when we get back, I'll SO whip your ass…" he threw his sandwich outside through the hole in the wall, where a happy spider the size of a large dog snatched it.

Vegeta rolled his eyes. "We can have it out now."

"I can't destroy the forest!"

"Ah," Vegeta rolled his eyes again. He washed out his cereal bowl then put it back into his capsule. "Anyway," he finally said, "it was you who woke me up in the middle of the night with some stupid song!"

"I was trying to make you reach Super Saiyan Three!" Goku's glare powered up even more.

"Ooh…" Vegeta blinked, turning to look at Goku. He splashed his way across the floor towards the other Saiyan. "Really?" he blinked some more while staring at Goku. "Err…" he scratched his chin. "That was a good idea," he finally said. "Yesterday I could almost feel myself reaching a new level of power. I can bet if I had missed, and you had had a chance to continue your annoying song, I'd have reached that new level," he scratched his chin again. "Yeah, it was a good idea," he nodded more to himself than Goku. "Damn!" he cursed then. "Why am I so impatient?!"

XXXXX

They flew in a reconciled silence. Almost. Goku was still muttering curse words under his breath, but he didn't threaten Vegeta with his approaching end anymore. Vegeta was studying the drawing of the blue flower.

"I wonder," Vegeta finally said, "why can't we gather the Dragon Balls to get rid of those stupid spirits?"

Goku glared at Vegeta from the corner of his eyes. "Good question," he finally admitted. Then reluctantly he added, "Good thinking." He finally ceased to glare. "I'll ask Baba about that," he pulled out his cell phone from his pocket.

"And?" Vegeta asked impatiently, after Goku had been messing around with his phone for about ten minutes.

Goku looked at him sheepishly. "I don't know how to make a call." He glared at his phone. "I can fucking send ring tones from the Internet, take pictures and make videos, but I can't make a damn call!"

"Ah," Vegeta didn't seem the least bit fazed about it. "Why am I not surprised? Nowadays, we can get all that shit into our phones. The same thing happened to me. Trunks downloaded some fucking frog into my phone. And because the buttons were too small for my fingers, I couldn't get rid of it and in the end blasted the damn frog to hell with the whole phone. The Woman subtracted its price from my pocket money."

"Yeah, yeah," Goku nodded. "I have it too." His eyes widened innocently. "Have no idea who downloaded it into my phone. Frog Axel. Here it is," he turned the phone screen to Vegeta.

Vegeta raised his palm in the blink of an eye and gathered energy threateningly. "Better not," he said very calmly. "And I suggest you delete it. If I hear it start fucking around with its invisible bike, I'll not be responsible for my actions."

Goku lowered the phone. "I don't have any service out here. We have to land and find a stationary phone."

"We are in the middle of the jungle," Vegeta reminded him of the hopelessness of their situation. "But ask that parrot over here. It might take time, but I'm sure that you, as our young naturalist, will manage to find a common tongue and convince it to bring a note back to Baba."

"Shut up, Vegeta," Goku gave Vegeta the finger. "You don't have any sense of humor at all."

Vegeta rolled his eyes at him. "Maybe, but it's really bigger than yours anyway."

"Bigger, you say?" Goku snorted. "No way. Mine is much bigger than yours! Much, much bigger!" Goku repeated. "You can't even understand the damn joke about the hunter and the bear cub!"

"That's because it's not a damn joke; it was some lousy fool who came up with that nonsense!" Vegeta retorted, scratching his chin in confusion while wondering what the hell in reality they were arguing about here.

"Listen," Goku put his arms akimbo. "A hunter walks into a forest. He sees a cave. He sticks his head into it. Sees a small bear cub. He asks if the cub's mother is at home. The cub answers that his mother is away. Then the hunter asks if his father is at home. The cub says that his father is away too. Then the hunter hits the cub over his head with his shotgun, intending to take the cub away, but then the cub starts screaming: 'Grandma! Grandma!'"

"And that's supposed to be funny?" Vegeta snorted at him. "And how did I know that you'd pick a joke about animals…?"

"See, and what did I tell you," Goku rolled his eyes. "Your sense of humor is nonexistent!"

Vegeta just sighed. "Kakarott, shut the fuck up and let's start flying again. We need a damn phone."

XXXXX

"Baba? Hello, Baba! Can you hear me? Baba! Hello!" Goku shouted into the telephone receiver.

Vegeta juggled with his capsules while watching a soaked Goku torturing the phone. He was leaning with his back against the wooden wall. From time to time he would cast his eyes in the direction of the people who were staring at him and Kakarott. After two hours of searching they had finally managed to find the camp of an English scientist.

"Are you sure that she has a phone at all?" Vegeta asked about Baba.

"Vegeta, stop that, I told you that she does," Goku snorted, "I have her number after all."

"In Baba's case that doesn't mean much," Vegeta muttered, wringing his hair until it stood back in its original place. Then he proceeded to stare back at the curious scientists. Vegeta was getting annoyed with the two females who were eyeing his hair in disbelief. If another person asked him which hairspray he used to make his hair stand like this, he was going to start killing. His attention turned back to Kakarott as Kakarott made an excited sound and then began to spill words into the receiver.

After he hung up the phone, he turned back to Vegeta. "She said that the Dragon can't deal with these spirits," Goku's shoulders slumped a bit. "We just have to keep looking for that flower."

Vegeta pushed himself from the wall with a sigh of resignation, leaving a huge wet spot on the wall. "Come on. At least it stopped raining."

When they had traveled a safe distance from the camp they powered up to dry themselves and then proceeded with their flight.

"Vegeta?"

"Hn?"

"Do you really want to marry Bulma?"

Vegeta blinked at the question, which was entirely out of the blue. "Actually it's you who's been implying that all the time. I never said that."

Goku scratched his head sheepishly. "You seem to fit nicely and you have a child together. It seems logical."

Vegeta sighed. "No, I don't want to mate her."

"Is there a difference between mating and marriage?" Goku asked, interested.

"Of course there is," Vegeta snorted. "You are married to that hellcat of yours but you aren't mated with her."

"So what's the difference?"

"Instincts."

Goku rolled his eyes. He decided that Vegeta was too hungry to talk. It was about the time to catch something for dinner.

TBC


	3. Part 3

**Animelover6000**: Oh, Axel is one of those unforgettable trend occurrences. Seriously. He was everywhere.

Well, the joke about the hunter and the cub…well, the joke is sensible. One can have a laugh at it.

Happy belated New Year to you, too!

xxxxx

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money from this.

Warnings: Shounen-ai. Goku/Vegeta

A/N 1: thank you, Achillona, for Summer Kold and all of her subtleties! ^_^

**Underlying Conspiracy**

by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 3

Vegeta turned around at Goku's soft wince. It was dark already, but his eyes discerned Kakarott's tall figure sitting on his bed. He sat hunched forward, his back to Vegeta.

Vegeta flared his ki higher to lighten the room. "For fuck's sake, Kakarott. I told you not to fly half naked, you got sunburn!"

"Yeah," Goku agreed. He winced again. "It appears that you were right."

The prince just sighed, his anger gone at Goku's admittance. He turned back to his bed and began to ransack through his capsules. Victoriously holding something in his palm, he motioned for Goku. "Lie down, you stupid thing."

Goku curiously observed the small container in Vegeta's hand. "Cream?" he asked. Then he blinked in surprise at the sting as suddenly Vegeta was next to his bed, his palm pressed to Goku's burnt back, flattening him on his stomach. "What are you doing?" Goku muffled the words through a pillow that was threatening to crawl into his throat.

"Shut up and lie still," Vegeta snorted. He squeezed half the container onto his fingers then pressed them to Goku's back.

"Uch!" Goku gasped at the coldness. But after he got used to the temperature, his gasps silenced. His muscles relaxed, his body surrendering to Vegeta's skillful hands. "That feels nice," Goku muttered after several minutes. His eyes closed at the feel of the warm and gentle hands that were massaging away the pain of his sunburn.

Vegeta's brow rose as there began a soft, almost silent purr in Goku's throat. As Vegeta listened to the sound, a strange gleam appeared in his eyes, his hands not stopping their ministrations. He kneaded Goku's muscles at the shoulders then his hands went a bit lower to Goku's back. He drew several circles there, hearing Goku's purr increase and feeling Goku's muscles completely yield under his hands. Vegeta's hands moved lower, to Goku's sides.

After Goku's loud and approving groan, Vegeta's hands became even more daring and shifted still lower to slip under the sides of Goku's waistband. The gleam in Vegeta's eyes increased as his hands worked to mold Goku's body into ecstasy. Vegeta leaned even lower, so that he was almost lying on top of Goku.

Suddenly there was a scream.

Goku startled and shot up from his bed, quickly turning around. He stared at Vegeta who for some reason was sitting on the floor and covering his eye.

"You fucker! You almost put my eye out with that damn tail of yours!" Vegeta seethed, covering his left eye and shaking his right fist at Goku.

Goku blinked down at him, confused. "What tail?"

"That one!" Vegeta extended his arm to point out a brown appendage that was swaying behind Goku's back. As his initial shock faded, Vegeta's hand suddenly faltered. Now he looked exceedingly disturbed. "Your tail is back…" he muttered finally jumping to his feet. "Why?! Why is your damn tail back?!" he almost launched himself at Goku, who stepped back, flattening himself to a wall. "Why is yours back and mine's not?! It's not fair! Why yours?!" Vegeta was almost crying in his fury.

Goku scratched his head then blinked. "Yours is back too," he motioned to Vegeta.

Vegeta quickly glanced behind him then turned back to Goku. He blushed fiercely. "I knew that," he calmly walked over to the table and sat down.

Goku rolled his eyes. He joined Vegeta at the table. "Thanks for the massage," he nodded. "Why do you think our tails grew back?" he asked then.

Vegeta stared at the wall across from him contemplating why the painting there reminded him of an omelet. "I have no idea," he said finally, his eyes switching to Goku. "But I'm hungry."

Goku blinked at the change of subject. "Alright... Me too."

XXXXX

The next morning, both Saiyans proceeded with their flight. The rainforest was coming to an end and they were already enjoying the thought of some new scenery. They tried to figure out the mystery of their tails growing back, but didn't manage to come up with anything.

Goku sneezed. He rubbed his nose then sneezed again. He felt his eyes begin to water. He turned to look at Vegeta who was flying beside him and had also started sneezing. Goku scratched his head, confused, and sneezed again.

"What the fuck?" Vegeta stopped in his tracks and gave another mighty sneeze. He frowned in confusion as a loud sinister laugh echoed behind his back.

"Ah, I see my secret weapon is already working!"

Goku and Vegeta turned around in unison. Vegeta's brow rose. Goku sniggered. Floating before them was an Ice-jin. A female Ice-jin. Her body was much more compact than either of them had ever seen in an Ice-jin before. Her long, pink hair was fluttering behind her in the wind. The hair perfectly matched her body, which was mostly pink but merged with a light purple in several places. Goku wondered if it was a yellow swimsuit that she was wearing.

"I'll avenge my brothers and father!" the Ice-jin shouted, shaking her little pink tail at the Saiyans. "I'll make you pay, you dirty monkeys! I'll crush you like bugs under my stiletto!" she clenched her pink fists.

Goku and Vegeta turned to each other, made eye contact and burst out laughing.

"What's your name, Ice-jin?" Vegeta asked, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. He was so amused that he had decided to let the Ice-jin live for the moment.

"I'm Summer Kold!" the Ice-jin coquettishly brushed her long pink hair behind her ear. "The sister of the mighty Frieza and even mightier Cooler!"

"Uh-huh," Goku nodded. "And I wondered where they had inherited that beauty…"

Summer Kold puffed out her chest out even more that it already had been puffed out with silicon. "Yes, it was me who taught them the secret of beauty. I advised my brothers which beauty masks and creams to use to make their natural colors clearer. And…"

Goku sneezed in the middle of the sentence. "I hate summer colds," he muttered, wiping his teary eyes and sneezing into his sleeve again.

"Running Nose!" the Ice-jin screamed, releasing a huge gray blast at Goku.

Goku easily dodged the blast. "Missed me!" he grinned.

The Ice-jin pointed past Goku with her small, long finger. "But got him," she said in a velvety voice.

"Oh my god, Vegeta!" Goku gasped at Vegeta who was sneezing and sniffling and wheezing behind him.

"You bastard!" Vegeta sneezed at Goku. "You…" he sneezed again, "…moved!" and he sneezed again.

"Sorry," Goku apologized. He turned back to the Ice-jin. "Let's show her what we can do!" he shouted then.

"Bed, I need my bed," Vegeta whined not showing any of the enthusiasm Goku had expected to hear. "And hot tea, and honey," he sniffled. "And someone to wait on me all the time."

"Men," Summer Kold snorted. "All of you are like children! A small breeze and you're sure that you're dying."

"Don't give up, Vegeta!" Goku begged. "No, Vegeta, no!" he said with horror in his voice.

"I think I'm dying," Vegeta sneezed into his sleeve. He slowly began to drift down to the earth.

"Don't give up, Vegeta!" Goku straightened. He coughed then. After his sore throat was taken care of he proceeded: "Will you give in to the kind that forced you to serve them? Will you gave in to the kind that killed your father? Will you gave in to the kind that murdered your entire race and destroyed your home planet?!" Goku balled his fist, sneezing.

"No!" Vegeta's hoarse voice shook the skies, as his spirit rose at Goku's words. "Never! I'll destroy your freakish-pink race!" he shook his clenched fist at the Ice-jin. "You'll feel my wrath!"

Goku quickly checked around just in case someone from the All Living Creatures' Rights Organization could have heard Vegeta's threat. "Hurray!" he shouted to encourage Vegeta only after he was completely sure that no one was watching them.

"You fools!" Summer Kold roared with laughter. "I'll demonstrate my new attack for you! Nobody has ever seen it. I have been honing it for years, especially for you! To avenge my family! It's the mightiest attack anybody could fathom. It's so powerful it will tear you apart. It will destroy this…excuse me," she coughed, "this shit of a planet! You won't manage to deflect it, you won't manage to get away! You'll be torn from the ground! You'll be blasted to dust! Your puny eyes have never beheld anything like this! This is my creation that will destroy the two last full-blooded Saiyans," she quickly looked around, "not that I'm a racist or anything," she coughed. "My creation has no mercy," she proceeded. "The power of the blast is so enormous that yadda-yadda-yadda…"

"Did the characters always talk this much in the series?" Goku asked, yawning. "Hey," he nudged Vegeta in the side when he noticed him dozing. "Don't sleep, we might miss some bullshit about her brilliant attack."

"Uh-huh," Vegeta rubbed his eyes. "I have a plant," he said then, after blinking his sleepy eyes for some time.

"A plan, you mean?" Goku happily grinned at Vegeta.

"No. A plant!" Vegeta sneezed. He rubbed his nose with his already soaked sleeve. "I think it's called garlic."

"Garlic Junior?" Goku blinked. "What does he have to do with this?"

"No, you moron!" Vegeta sneezed again. "A garlic clove! The spice! It has loads of vitamin C. Vitamin C gets rid of a cold. Maybe we could kill her like that. The Woman has plenty of them in the kitchen. And look for a lemon. They have plenty of vitamin C too."

Goku nodded and ITed himself into the Capsule Corp. kitchen. When he came back he was carrying a plait of garlic. Summer Kold was still busy thinking of new adjectives for her splendid attack, thus she didn't even notice that Goku had been missing.

"Are you sure about the contents of your kitchen?" Goku asked Vegeta. "There's no lemon to be found anywhere in this story," Goku complained. "But I have plenty of garlic," he showed Vegeta the plait of cloves. "I heard that it works on vampires, but never heard anything about Ice-jins…"

"You have a better suggestion?" Vegeta asked, feeling all of the joints in his body infused with a dull ache. He gave a sign for Goku to start peeling the garlic.

"Yes," Goku nodded, beginning the task, "a Kamehameha, for example."

"It's not logical," Vegeta shook his head. "Let's start with the weakest attacks. Don't you know the order?!" he snorted. He sighed, realizing that he would have to reveal to Kakarott the true way of fighting. "First a bad guy has to kick your ass until you can't get up anymore. Then you have to think about how the world's at stake and everyone is depending on you. Then you gather all of your strength for one final showdown. And then a miracle (or Senzu Bean) happens, and you, with all your broken bones, wrenched joints, splashed guts and spurting blood, get up. The bad guy then has to look at you with a very surprised face. Then he has to try to kill you again. But you, not caring about your broken bones and almost open entrails, give a long speech about how he's going to pay for his misdeeds. And then," Vegeta shook his finger at Kakarott, "and only then, do you attack him with all your might and kill him."

"Ah…" Goku scratched his head. "So this is how things work. And I was wondering why the same scenario kept repeating all the time…"

"Yes, that's right," Vegeta nodded. "And a very necessary part is to take your gi off. Well, usually it gets torn off while fighting, but don't forget to get rid of it somehow if it's still on. This part is very important," Vegeta said seriously, tugging at Goku's gi. "Your pants too," he nodded happily.

"Gee," Goku scratched his head again. "Seems very complicated."

"I can do the last part for you," Vegeta volunteered. "The second-to-last too."

"Has she finished finally?" Goku asked.

"Don't think so," Vegeta sneezed.

"Do we have to wait?" Goku whined.

"Not necessary," Vegeta shook his head. "Have you finished peeling the garlic?"

"No."

"Okay, throw the plait on her neck."

"You think it will be so easy?" Goku shook his head. "Maybe silver bullets? Or a cross? Some holy water maybe? Or maybe you happen to have a crossbow? A wooden stick?"

Vegeta reddened with anger. "Do as I say!"

"Alright, alright," Goku waved his hands in front of him, "It was just a suggestion…" He coughed VERY loudly to get Summer Kold's attention. "Dear madam," he began. "I simply couldn't help but notice your pleasant and deep voice. Let me present you with this wonderful necklace as a sign of my adoration. Such a wonderful voice can't go unappreciated," Goku lowered his head humbly and approached the Ice-jin.

Summer Kold blushed beautifully. She let Goku put the garlic on her neck and then fluttered her eyelashes coquettishly at the camera. She adjusted her long pink hair and pursed her lipstick red lips, proceeding to pose for a camera-man who had appeared out of nowhere.

"What now?" Kakarott whispered to Vegeta.

"We wait until the garlic starts taking effect," Vegeta whispered back.

"How long will that take?" Goku asked.

"A week," Vegeta whispered.

"What?!"

"Shhh!" Vegeta sneezed loudly.

"A week?" Goku asked silently. "Why so long?"

"It's the usual procedure – when you get a cold, how long are you sick for?" Vegeta asked.

"Well…for a week," Goku agreed. "But garlic…"

"So, you're sick for a week. And if you take medicine, in this case vitamin C, how long are you sick then?"

Goku began to count on his fingers, remembering one time when he got a cold and Chichi had to nurse him. "Seven days," Goku said proudly, after he finished counting. But then he got confused. "So you say that it's the same – if one has a cold, it doesn't matter if he takes medicine or not, he'll be sick for a week anyway?"

"Yep," Vegeta nodded. "It's a very sneaky disease." He rubbed his red nose.

"And what does this have to do with her?" Goku motioned at the Ice-jin who was showing off her long pink legs to the camera-man.

"Don't know. It seems logical," Vegeta shrugged. "Garlic and such."

"I think you're affected by the cold," Goku sighed. He put his palm on Vegeta's forehead. "You have a fever. I think you're delirious."

"Could be," Vegeta agreed. "Now I see seven elves dancing," he pointed with his hand at an empty space next to him. "I don't think that they exist at all."

"They don't," Goku shook his head. "Though, I'm sure that each Christmas they are helping Santa to pack his sleigh with presents."

"Are you sure that it's elves that help Santa?" Vegeta asked blinking his eyes at the seven elves that were waving at him.

"No," Goku shook his head. "Maybe it's leprechauns. Hard to tell. They all wear green. Anyway," he decided, "I can't wait for a week. Have you forgotten that we have to get rid of those spirits or otherwise we're all going to die?" Goku straightened. "So, I'll go on as planned. If I remember correctly, first I have to let her beat me, then you'll give me a Senzu Bean, and then I'll finish her off."

"I don't have a Senzu, and you forgot the part about tearing your shirt off," Vegeta sighed.

"Damn," Goku scratched his head. He turned to Summer Kold who was enthusiastically speaking with the camera-man. "Look," Goku motioned for Vegeta to look at the Ice-jin. "I don't think that she's even interested in us anymore. Hey, Summer Kold!" he waved to get the Ice-jin's attention. "You fighting or what?"

Summer Kold turned to look at the Saiyans. As she had just become the new face of a magical beauty cream called 'Sparkle', it was hard to decide between her priorities. "I'm afraid my schedule is too tight," she began consulting her notebook. "At ten a massage, at twelve the hairdresser…" she muttered under her breath while leafing through the notebook. "I could pencil you in after two months…" she faltered. "Oh, no, sorry, then I have an appointment with my dentist…" She listed further. "Oh, here, after five years. Does that work for you? Same place?"

"Yes, it's fine," Vegeta sneezed. Goku nodded.

"Okay," Summer Kold began writing. "A fight with two Saiyans," she thoroughly wrote into the notebook, her small pink tongue between her small white teeth. Then she looked around. "Somewhere in the middle of the forest," she wrote the place. "Or above," she added. With that, she closed her notepad and approached the Saiyans. Suddenly two cream tubes appeared in her hands. In a flash the camera-man was beside them. The Ice-jin gave a bright, dazzling smile to the camera. "'Sparkle' cream will make your skin soft and healthy. These men had been using 'Sparkle'," Summer Kold patted Goku's cheek. "Look at their healthy skin now."

"You really have no time to make that fight sooner?" Goku slapped her hand away from his face. "I don't like Ice-jins poking me."

"Busy, busy, busy," Summer Kold shook her little head with its long pink hair. "Want an autograph?" she asked.

"No," Vegeta glared at her. "And keep your hands to yourself."

Summer Kold winked at him. "Possessive. Sorry, but I have to go," then she swiftly flew away before Vegeta could have wrung her neck.

TBC


	4. Part 4

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money.

Warnings: male x male, Goku x Vegeta. Attempt at comedy.

**Underlying Conspiracy**

by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 4

It was a dark night. The two most powerful Saiyans in the Universe (well, let's forget Gohan for now, besides he's only half-Saiyan anyway) were sitting in Goku's Capsule house, where the hole in the wall presented a perfect air conditioning system and Goku thought that the glowing yellowish light from outside was very romantic. Not that he knew what the word "romantic" meant, mind you.

Vegeta was stuck in Goku's house because Vegeta's house had a fatal accident. Actually several of them: First, it got attacked by cockroaches, then it got soaking wet, then it got a little burnt, then it was accidentally blasted to dust. Well…these things happen. Especially if one tries to get rid of the cockroaches by sinking the house into the sea, then tries drying it by ascending to Super Saiyan Two, then sees that one cockroach survived and tries to blast it but misses. Ah well, the life is full of accidents.

Goku groaned happily then belched loudly. He patted his stomach after the echoes in the house had died down. Vegeta looked at him, his brow raised. "Ever think about joining a chorus?" he sighed then, looking back at the table. "You didn't have anything better than fish preserves?"

Goku frowned. "And what's wrong with preserves? At least they can't be attacked by cockroaches."

Vegeta glared at him. After all, it was he who insisted that Vegeta try dunking the house in salt water… And it was he who got panicky and squealed like a girl after all the nice brown and black beetles with their long antennas started to rise up to the water's surface and swim towards the shore… Goku should have known that even an A-bomb wouldn't kill them. But the only thing he learned was that salt water makes cockroaches even more vicious.

"How much longer will it be until we get there?" Goku whined, after cleaning his teeth with his treasured tail. He loved his new appendage. He could do so many things with it! Cleaning his teeth was great, but he also loved to scratch his back and other body parts that he couldn't reach with his hands.

"Another day, at least," Vegeta answered. Then he glared at Goku as Goku let out a despairing whine and started chewing on his tail. "It was you who talked me into this shit, so now shut up and not a peep!"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot – if not for me dragging you here you would have been playing that cursed game of yours!" Goku snorted, angered by Vegeta's selfishness.

"Tomb Raider is my favorite game! Don't you dare say anything bad about it!" Vegeta hissed.

"Why do you like it?" Goku glared at him, pushing the empty cans from the table and into a cellophane bag.

"The way Lara always screams when falling, and the poses that stupid bitch gets into after falling and killing herself…" Vegeta looked at the ceiling with dreamy eyes while remembering the intimate moments at the console.

"Figures…" Goku rolled his eyes. He finished cleaning the table then sat down again. He proceeded to stare at the wall for some time. Then he turned and stared another three minutes at a different wall. Then five more minutes at the tail that was happily waving behind Vegeta's back.

"Vegeta, why is it that there were classes on Vegeta-sei?" Goku asked, suddenly, raising a sore point for himself. That point was especially sore, because Vegeta repeatedly made Goku sore when they talked about it. And usually in several places.

Vegeta finished his apple then threw the rest of it outside through the hole in the wall. He didn't think that the hole in the wall was romantic at all, he thought that he would be attacked by mosquitoes all night.

"The classes always were and always will be," Vegeta snorted at Goku.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Goku rolled his eyes. "But according to what criteria are people divided into classes? Why is it that while I'm stronger than you, I'm still only a third-class?"

Vegeta's left eye twitched. He thought about gutting Goku with the small knife he had been using to peel an apple. But then he decided against it – there were more important things than gutting Kakarott at the moment. For example he wanted to find that cursed flower and get back to Capsule Corp. to play Tomb Raider. He had also seen that Final Fantasy XXVII was going to be released soon.

Vegeta sighed. He lived in his fantasy world…well, in a fantasy world that others had created for him, but a fantasy world nonetheless. He swished his tail behind his back, thoroughly annoyed. He had to stop this foolishness that his life had become.

"The most important criterion is the length," Vegeta said finally.

Goku looked at Vegeta's tail then back at his own. Then he peered at both more closely. "Do you have a ruler?" he asked.

Vegeta blinked. "No."

"So how can you say that yours is longer than mine?"

"Well, it's obvious."

Goku looked at his tail then looked back at Vegeta's. "It isn't obvious. It just grew back. How do you know mine's shorter than yours?"

Vegeta's face changed several different colors. "Just grew back?" he stammered. "How is that, exactly?"

Goku looked at Vegeta, surprised. "Well, I lost it and it grew back. Like yours."

Vegeta blinked. "You are deeply mistaken. Mine has been with me all the time."

"But it only just regenerated! You lost your tail the very second you stepped on the Earth!"

Vegeta looked at Goku, exasperated. "Who the hell is talking about the tails here?"

Goku scratched his confused head. "So what are we talking about?"

Vegeta crossed his legs.

XXXXX

The day had been pretty boring. But they went to sleep at least a bit happier knowing that they would soon reach old Baba's house.

In his mind, Vegeta dreamed of what the next day might bring.

"Look, it's probably that one," the Goku of his dreams motioned to an old derelict house that was deeply buried between several orange rocks.

The wind stilled, and it blew up again, and with such a force that the gusts lifted the sand and small rocks into the air. Vegeta turned around in surprise and shielded his eyes against the onslaught of sand. Goku stopped, too. Though, he hardly managed to avoid a huge bra that flew past him.

Vegeta expertly caught it and swung it on his index finger several times; oh, well, he really was an expert in such things. "I smell that old Baba witch," he said letting go of the bra and letting it fly gracefully further in the wind.

"Why the hell do I feel like I'm in a horror movie?" Goku mumbled, gazing at the retreating bra that fluttered like a giant butterfly, flapping its wings.

"That stone is going to hit you," Vegeta stated calmly.

"What stone?"

"That one," Vegeta grinned as Goku was taken down smashingly by a huge stone and flattened to a nearby rock.

"Dammit, Vegeta, you could have warned me!" Goku said after he finally managed to push the huge stone off himself.

"I did," Vegeta smirked. His eyes fixed on Goku, whose gi was now tattered so that he could see the other Saiyan's big muscular chest. Vegeta's eyes darkened, a sudden flame catching in the depths, like two devils dancing in his black-as-night pupils.

Dark clouds started gathering above, rolling so that the sky looked like it was boiling. The wind whistled and screamed and tore at the earth. The sky suddenly brightened as lightning crossed the air, charging it with something thick and powerful. And then it started raining.

The fresh scent filled the air, as miniature streams flowed over the darkened orange rocks, gathering underneath them into small puddles and then streaming down over the wasted dessert sand, filling it with life for just a few moments.

The small rivers flowed over Goku's spiky hair, and down over his tanned and healthy skin. The muscles of his chest and back glistened and his dark hair flew wildly as he shook the water off. He closed his eyes and tilted his face to the sky while combing his fingers through his wet hair. The rain was flowing in rivulets over his muscular frame, over that gorgeous body…

"What the…?" Goku raised his head at the pelting sky. Then he turned his head questioningly at Vegeta who was standing at the nearby rock.

"Hey," Vegeta shrugged his shoulders. "It's my wet dream. If I want you with your shirt soaking wet, I'll have it."

XOXOX

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, a sleeping Goku was entertaining some hungry dreams of his own.

A huge hamburger with cheese, lettuce and tomatoes screamed loudly. Screamed then scurried away in panic. Yummy bastard.

Goku finished chewing, licked the grease off his lips and ran off after the half-eaten hamburger. Oh how he loved aggressive food. It only seemed fair to have to work for it a bit.

The hamburger was fast. It clearly wanted to live for at least a little while.

Goku turned Super Saiyan to catch up with it. And then, just before he was able to take another bite of the panicking burger, an unusual scene caught his eye. Yes, it was even more unusual than a running and screaming hamburger.

Despite that Goku's legs still followed the sprinting hamburger, his eyes and soon his whole head stopped to concentrate on the curious scene taking place in a valley under several orange rocks. It was raining there. He was running in the desert and the only place it seemed to be raining was that little spot between the rocks. The sky above the rocks was overcast and the clouds seemed to be boiling with darkness.

The hamburger gave one last agonizing shriek when Goku's Kamehameha struck and toasted its round side. It managed two last steps in an attempt to escape the hungry Saiyan before its tiny weak little legs gave up and ketchup poured out all over the sand.

Goku ripped the hamburger in half and, sticking one half under his arm while happily munching the other, he went to see what was going on in that "raining" valley.

Something interesting was happening, that was for sure. For one, there was another Goku. And that other Goku was bare-chested, standing like an idiot under the flowing rain.

The first Goku took a good bite of his hunted down hamburger. Chewing, he watched the second Goku tilt his head to the rain and comb his fingers through his hair, entangling in the hair seductively while water flowed over his shoulders and back. Goku No. 1 wondered what the hell his other self was doing. Posing for "Playgirl"? Okay, sometimes he was dense, sometimes naïve, but hey, he could recognize the show that he himself was putting on.

Goku No. 1 saw his other self turn his head somewhere to the side. He followed Goku No. 2's gaze as it stopped at Vegeta. Now this was really getting interesting. Vegeta was also standing in the rain and watching Goku No. 2 strike a pose.

It got even more interesting when Goku No. 2 tore the rest of his tattered shirt off, tossed it to the wind and ran his hands over his bare, wet skin. And he did all that while looking Vegeta in the eyes.

Goku No. 1 took another bite of his hamburger. He numbly chewed with his jaw lax, not even tasting his food. He was salivating, but the hamburger had nothing to do with it. He gulped the bite down loudly as Vegeta's eyes came to rest on him.

Vegeta's dark eyes widened. He couldn't believe his luck – two Kakarotts! One of them was eating, but that could be fixed easily enough. There were several ways to make Kakarott lose his interest in food, and Vegeta hoped he had the right one in mind.

Goku No. 1 took an unconscious step backwards as he observed the two flames dancing like demons in Vegeta's eyes. He stared at the Saiyan prince's trademark smirk.

"Ehhh…" Goku No. 1 scratched his spiky head nervously, "I don't suppose you've seen a big bowl of rice passing by here…?"

"No," Vegeta advanced on Goku No. 1. "I really haven't…" he purred, and Goku No. 1 could feel the purr go straight to his bones and to…

Goku No. 1 gasped for air as the vibration stuck in his throat making him choke on the hamburger.

Goku No. 1 dealt with the hamburger that was stuck in his throat and smiled tentatively. Then he coughed tentatively. And then he ran tentatively.

"Thank Gods," Goku No. 2 sighed in relief. He watched Vegeta's back receding into the distance while he chased after Kakarott. "Every fucking night," he complained. "I swear the guy is insatiable!"

XXXXX

"Aaaaaahhh!!!" Goku jumped up in his bed. Panting and wide-eyed with shock, he brushed the sweat from his brow. After the pounding in his ears subsided, he realized that there was someone else in the room that was panting as loudly as he himself was. He turned to look at Vegeta's bed.

"What?!" Vegeta rasped out angrily at Goku's wild eyes.

"I don't suppose you've seen a big bowl of rice passing by...?" Goku blinked innocently.

XXXXX

"They are so stupid! They had such a perfect chance and they're still sitting there like two idiots!" Yamcha called out while watching Baba's crystal ball. "If your magic spell to cross their dreams didn't help, I don't know what will!" he threw his hands up in exasperation.

Baba looked at Yamcha. "You seem to be very involved…"

"You bet I am!" Yamcha snorted. "Those two piss me off! Always walking around frustrated. And do you know what happens when a frustrated Goku asks you to spar? And don't even get me started about Vegeta - he's ruining my life in general!"

"Ah…" Baba nodded. "I see. And I knew there must be some reason you came to me…"

Yamcha nodded and crossed his arms. He looked at the shimmering crystal again. "But I can't believe I saw Goku posing like that… That was…" he shivered. "That really was something new. I wonder what side of his we'll see next time…"

Baba muttered something under breath.

"Whaaaaaah!" Yamcha yelled, covering his eyes and jumping away from the crystal ball where now a naked Goku took a striking pose. "Why did you do that?!" he shook his fist at Baba.

"You wanted to see another side of Goku…" Baba said while her eyes remained glued to Goku's naked backside.

Yamcha snorted. "Well, obviously it's you who wanted to see that side, you perverted old hag!"

"Hey," Baba turned around, "watch your mouth. I'm not old!" She shook her head, making her purple hair fly around her shoulders. "I've simply matured like a fine wine or a delicious fruit, only now ripe and ready to be plucked."

Yamcha was speechless for some time then turned around on his heel, sneaking towards the door. "Time for me to go…"

TBC


	5. Part 5

**Animelover6000**: thanks!

xxxxx

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money.

Warnings: Yaoi (male x male), Goku/Vegeta

Thanks go to: achillona for "crabs" :D

xxxx

**Underlying Conspiracy**

by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 5

It was a nice morning. The sun had just risen, the birds were singing, and Goku was sitting on the sand with his eyes closed and his legs crossed. He was completely and utterly submersed into what he was doing and absolutely and wholly unaware of the birds, the sun and whatever the hell else was around him.

Vegeta had just woken up. He rubbed his eyes, scratched his head furiously and other bodily parts that badly needed to be scratched each morning, then got up from the bed.

He decided he needed to wash. They were in the middle of the desert and there was no lake or stream where he could wash himself, but he went outside anyway - hoping at least to see a mirage of a lake.

Vegeta chose the shortcut through the hole in the wall. He noticed Kakarott sitting on the sizzling sand. It smelled like something was burning.

"Ommmmm…"

Vegeta cocked his head to his right shoulder.

"Ommmmm…mmmm…"

Vegeta cocked his head to the left shoulder.

"Ommmmm…"

"What are you doing?" Vegeta finally snapped.

"Ommmm…mmmm…ohmmmm…"

Vegeta looked around for something heavy. But there was nothing, only sand.

"Omm-HA!" Goku yelped and jumped two meters into the air. He rubbed his aching forehead.

"What the fuck have you just been doing?" Vegeta asked while weighing another brick in his palm; the house was finished, anyway. "Are you possessed?" he asked seriously. "Is it Majin again?"

Goku glared at him then continued to rub his forehead. "You have just spoiled all my work!"

"Oh really?" Vegeta clapped his palms giddily, crushing the brick he still held. This day was shaping up to be a good one, he decided. "I just hope it was much more useful than it seemed. Here I was hoping you were trying to fry yourself for breakfast…"

Goku glared at him again. "I've been trying to open my chakras. I had already opened two of them and then you spoiled everything!"

"Chakras?" Vegeta whirled his index finger at his temple, indicating that Goku had gone bonkers. "And just about how many of them do you have?"

"Dunno… But after I open all of them, something significant will happen. My body and mind will merge and I'll be in a complete equilibrium."

"I don't particularly care about your mind, but try not to mess with your body – we might need it later. And who the fuck told you to do that?"

"Why would somebody have to tell me? I thought of it myself…"

"Of course somebody told you. It's very hard for me to admit, but even you couldn't have come up with something this stupid by yourself."

"If you don't understand it, it doesn't mean it's stupid!" Goku bristled.

Vegeta rolled his eyes. "I give up," he said for the first time in his life. First, he didn't care about Kakarott's chakras at all; second, he was unwashed yet; third, he was hungry; fourth, he was pissed off that he had to look for that stupid flower; and fifth, the morning scratch hadn't helped much.

XXXXX

After they had eaten, they set off. Vegeta was flying behind Goku and observing Goku's new set of gi pants. Vegeta had been right after all when he smelled something burning. The Saiyan prince had secretly hoped that Goku had something else in his wardrobe to change into (like some tight jeans, or a thong) but it appeared that all Goku had was orange gis. So Vegeta really felt a little pissed off.

XXXXX

Goku was musing while waiting for his fellow traveler to finish his business. He waited until Vegeta zipped up his jeans then said: "Listen, I was thinking…"

A look of shock and amazement appeared on Vegeta's face. "Omigod! You were?! R-" He wheezed as Goku punched him in the gut.

"Stop it," Goku rubbed his chin thoughtfully while Vegeta was catching his breath and glaring at him. "So anyway, I was thinking what are we gonna do with those skeletons and ghosts Baba mentioned? I suppose skeletons are easy, but what about ghosts? Do you know any magic?"

"Yeah sure, I'll just start waving my magic stick and we'll be fine…" Vegeta glared again.

Goku got hot all over and wondered if Vegeta was doing that intentionally. That dream with the sandwiches and Vegeta chasing him had been damn hot… Food and Vegeta in one place was enough to drive anyone crazy.

"We should have asked Baba for advice…" Goku drawled.

"Nah, we should have taken her with us. Any ghost would just drop dead again after seeing her beauty," Vegeta snickered.

"Listen, it's not nice to talk like that about old people. One day you'll also be old and…"

"I will never be old!" Vegeta rolled his eyes before blasting into the air. "I'm the Prince of All Saiyans! I'm the power and the glory!"

"Oh and I'm the one who has no common sense and lives in a dream world?" Goku spat.

He followed Vegeta and two hours later they landed next to a ragged shack. The shack had obviously been a wholly decent house quite some time ago. Farther from the house there were the remains of a well and a few stumps that indicated a now nonexistent garden.

"Tell me again why we need to stop here," Vegeta demanded, kicking the door in. The door flew off its rotten hinges and smashed into the opposite wall, a cloud of dust whooshing right into the two of them.

"Hell, Vegeta!" Goku coughed, rubbing his eyes to clear the cobwebs and sand out of them. "Try using your brain instead of muscle once in a while!"

"Look who's talking!" Vegeta snarled, wiping his face. When he could see, he looked around in the half-lit hut. "So what do we need to look for?"

Goku gave a few coughs then shook his head to get rid of the dust in his hair. "She said there should be some bottles with holy water and a few amulets that'll help us to fight all those spirits and stuff."

XXXXX

"I'm gonna kill that bitch," Vegeta said three hours later while digging a hole under a rotten table in the middle of the hut. "Where the fuck did she put them?!"

Vegeta was scratching his head. Goku had noticed it several hours ago, and once he had noticed it the first time, he automatically noticed all the other times that Vegeta touched his head. Finally, after the prince scratched his head for the hundredth time, it was the last straw.

"Vegeta, you have lice."

Vegeta, who was currently widening the hole under the table and threatening to say hello to the other side of the world, didn't react at first. But then he frowned at the sand around him. Might be, he thought, while scratching his head. Then he cursed loudly, "Just fucking unbelievable!" He slammed the shovel to the ground. "I have lice! I haven't had them since the damned war with Frieza!"

Goku sat down on the edge of the hole to look at Vegeta. "Well it serves you right!" he snickered. The next second, the shovel that smashed into his teeth, tossed him flat onto his back.

"I can tell you one thing that I know for sure," Vegeta hissed down at him after he had climbed out of the hole. "There aren't any fucking bottles here!" He stepped over the broken shovel and turned to the exit.

From the ground, Goku glared at him. "Let's look outside the house."

After circling the house and coming back to the missing door, they noticed an old dusty box standing right at the entrance. Without saying a word or commenting on how they had missed it before, Goku and Vegeta squatted down to look at the contents.

"I wonder…" Goku muttered after opening the box. He lifted one of the multicolored bottles out to read its label. "Nine Roses. Want soft and smooth skin? Nine Roses will return your fading youth right after the first try. What the hell?" Goku looked at Vegeta. "Baba's cosmetics?"

Shrugging, Vegeta took out another bottle. "Gentle Breeze," he read. "A fragrance your man will adore," he added. "For some reason I feel as if I were digging through someone's underwear drawer," he said thoughtfully. "Makes me feel…weird."

"Same here," Goku agreed mournfully. "Oh, this is more like it," he said, raising a bottle whose contents were swirling and shining with bright colors. The two of them stared at the swirling liquid then Vegeta lowered his head.

"Interesting," he muttered. "Anything for lice?" he wondered out loud, ransacking through the contents. "What about this?" he pointed at an amulet in the box.

"It's real ugly," Goku said, observing a small circle made out of straw and tied up with a thin rope.

"The uglier the better - might just work," Vegeta said, lifting the amulet out of the box and swinging it around his neck. "Will make a nice combination with my dirty fighting suit and lice."

"Hey, what about me?!"

"You are a walking circus on your own. Besides, you have the funny bottle," Vegeta pointed at Goku's hand. "And that packet the Woman gave you."

"Fine," Goku gave in with a sigh. He took a last look at the contents of the box then reached into it. "Here, there's something transparent in this bottle too." He glared at Vegeta who snatched the bottle right out of his hand and, while giving him an innocent look, stuck it behind his belt.

"I suppose we can ignore the rest," Goku said resignedly. He raised his head to look at the sky. "It's getting dark for some reason. Let's build the house here and rest."

"You sure are an idiot. It's a sandstorm," Vegeta informed him.

"Oh. Stop calling me names, Vegeta. Why the hell do you do that?"

"I like it – it makes it more intense."

"Makes what more intense?" Goku inquired, looking at the dreadful sky.

"Our rela- I don't want to talk about it," Vegeta said abruptly while scratching his head. "Ha!" he yelled suddenly, pulling his hand out of his hair. "Got you! Death sentence to you! Die! Die, you overgrown bloodsucking bitch!"

"Vegeta, it's dead already!" Goku tried convincing Vegeta five minutes later to stop mincing the louse between his fingers.

"You disgusting parasite! How dare you?! How dare you suck my royal blood?! Do you know who I am?! I am the Prince of all Saiyans!"

"Oh gods," Goku slapped himself on the forehead. "Doctor Doolittle…just great." (Personally Goku always found himself uncomfortable in situations where people seemed to imitate some of his stupidity.) Then his attention suddenly got caught by a familiar motion that Vegeta made with his hands. No good, Goku thought, his eyes almost rolling out of his head in distress.

"Final Flash, you bitch!"

XXXXX

If one didn't count the fast moving blankets of almost black clouds in the sky and the rising wind whose intensity was increasing with every passing second, it was calm. As far as the eye could see, there was only sand everywhere. There was no sign of the hut that had previously stood there, except for a pile of bits and pieces that were still smoking a little.

A few seconds later the rubble moved. A hand poked out of the pile then it was followed by a spiky head. Coughing, Goku dug himself out. He patted himself on the head to make sure he hadn't lost that precious piece of equipment he'd been doing his thinking with. He turned to look to his side where the sand moved. Vegeta soon crawled out of the sand. Dazed, he looked at Goku.

"Did I kill it?"

Goku roared at him. "Ka-me-ha-me-ha!"

XXXXX

It was half-light in the house, the sandstorm was seething outside and Goku was worrying about a lot of things. First of all, it didn't seem that the sandstorm would let up anytime soon, and, around the hole in the wall, where they had pushed a huge chest of drawers, there was a pile of sand accumulating in the kitchen. Secondly, and on a related note, he worried that the sandstorm might bury them alive. Thirdly, Vegeta's nose had finally stopped bleeding but he still stubbornly refused to put on any shirt or at least a new fighting-suit, demanding Goku first pay for the torn one. Fourth, he didn't want to get Vegeta's lice which seemed to have gotten extremely vicious after being antagonized by Vegeta, who tried to get rid of them using five-month-old mayonnaise that he had found in the fridge. Fifth, there was a really bad smell in the house and the air conditioning didn't work.

"Vegeta, will you stop that?!"

"It wasn't me."

Goku felt like bashing his head into the wall. "There are only two of us and one of us has just farted! I know it wasn't me!"

"How the hell can I stop it?! Do you want me to explode?!"

"Oh gods," Goku groaned after another stench attack. "What the hell did you eat?!"

"Fish preserves! I told you they weren't any good!" Vegeta growled suddenly and stuck both his hands into his hair to scratch his head furiously.

"It serves you right!" Goku snarled.

"One day I'll kill you. Seriously."

Goku snickered. Watching Vegeta try to scratch his head off was satisfying, so he restrained himself from further comments which might have induced the end of such a delightful activity.

After spending half an hour watching Vegeta go crazy, he finally decided to go to sleep.

XXXXX

The next morning didn't resemble a morning at all: it was dark in the capsule house, the same as it had been before they went to sleep. Yawning, Goku shifted in the bed, stretched his arms above his head, then scratched the parts that needed a morning scratch and got up. Gropingly, he found his way to the corridor to turn the generator on then went to bathroom and scratched those parts again. After getting to the kitchen, wading through the sand for about ten minutes and finally reaching the fridge, he scratched his precious parts once more. When he felt the need to scratch himself a fourth time while he was munching on a sandwich, he realized there was something wrong with him.

Vegeta's brow curved at Goku who was squirming nonstop. The malicious grin that suddenly appeared on Vegeta's face made Goku frown. "Crabs! You've got crabs! Hahahaha! Loser!" The prince's face sobered quickly, though. "Hey… But where the heck did you get them? Is it your harpy?!" Vegeta's eyes widened suddenly. "Or… Don't tell me you went after that freakish pink Ice-jin thing…"

"Are you nuts?!" Goku choked out while trying to peel Vegeta's hands off his throat. "It must be some kind of curse! It has to be! You blew up the damn hut! Do you think witches forgive such things easily?!"

Vegeta stared at him then tightened his grip. "Hmm… But that witch is back at Yamcha's place. How would she even know her hut's been destroyed? Do you think I'm that stupid?! Do you?!" he roared.

"She does have the crystal ball, doesn't she?!"

Vegeta blinked. "Oh." He let go of Goku's throat. "But I still don't get why you're the one she's punishing."

"She missed. She just missed the target. Alright?" Goku rasped out while rubbing his throat.

Vegeta scratched his head then shrugged. Behind his back, Goku scowled. Chichi was going to get it for this.

TBC


	6. Part 6

**Jombra**: )

**Miako6**: Life is not all about flowers and therefore fics should not be all about them. People fart and get lice and crabs. They also shit and piss. Everyday occurence.

**animelover6000**: Well, of course, this fic is more laid back, showing rather what tendiences there are in the fandom and what fanficwriters concentrate on too much or avoid altogether. It's a satyre/comedy. As you will see in this chapter, there are a lot of things that I discuss. Plenty of them can also be found in my own fics. It's just kinda a more relaxed look at them all :)

xxxx

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money.

Warnings: Yaoi (male x male), Goku/Vegeta

Summary: Earth is in danger again, and Goku with Vegeta go on a mission to save it. While carrying the mission out they discover the truth about themselves, the anime and the entire fandom.

A/N: Thanks to achillona for conversations and support!

**Underlying Conspiracy**

by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 6

It took about an hour for them to dig Goku's house out from under the sand. The entire time Vegeta was trying to pretend that he didn't remember his outburst or know that it had happened at all. Any other normal man would have hit him or at least asked why he had suddenly attacked his throat while roaring in jealousy about Kakarott getting crabs from his wife. It is very good that Kakarott is not normal, Vegeta thought.

Goku was thinking about other things. The ones he was constantly scratching. There was also that random thought about getting back home and shaving Chichi bald, but this notion was a fleeting one.

"It's hot," Goku brushed over his sweaty forehead. He stopped digging.

"So I have noticed," Vegeta muttered. Following Goku's example, the prince leaned on his shovel. He scratched his head. With interest, he watched Goku squirm. "Don't mind me, give it a good scratch," he grinned.

Goku glared at him. "Like a damn child," he spat.

Vegeta shrugged. He doubted a child would be so interested in Kakarott's privates anyway. Sighing, he took the shovel back in his hands and continued digging. "Hurry up. I want this done by the end of the day."

Goku rolled his eyes.

When they finally dug most of the sand out of the house, they capsulated it. True, Vegeta had wanted to take a shower but Goku vetoed him. Vegeta thought that the crabs Goku had might not give up their comfortable living space so easily.

Anyways, to cut all that non-bathing and already boring scratching thing short, they continued their journey towards Giza. Keeping a leisurely pace, a few hours later, they saw the Great Pyramid of Giza from afar.

"Why are there so many people?" Vegeta muttered while the two of them were floating above the Sphinx a few hours later. They were keeping a distance so as not to be seen.

Goku shrugged. "Tourists."

"Well, we can't land now."

"Yeah, let's wait until it gets dark."

They turned around and landed much farther away, where there was not a living soul around.

"Well?" Vegeta dug into the yellow sand with his boot. He was really annoyed at the thought of having to wait here for a few hours. He already knew that he'd seen enough sand to last him a lifetime. That damn flower had better be somewhere near.

"We can just walk towards it…" Goku suggested tentatively.

Vegeta glared at him wordlessly then pointed at Goku's pocket. "Build the house. I'll take a nap."

Once inside, Vegeta rushed into the shower. Goku meanwhile sped into the kitchen and busied himself in the refrigerator.

After coming back from the bathroom, Vegeta went into the kitchen. He gave a look at the table where Goku had made lunch. Goku was sitting down to his meal. A plate with tuna that had just been shaken out of a can lay in front of him. He had a knife and fork in his hands. Vegeta turned to look at the other side of the table where another plate of tuna stood readied for him. His eyes slid back to the middle of the table where ten more cans lay yet unopened. What the hell…?

"What's with the tuna, Kakarott? Is there no other food left in the world or something?"

Goku gave Vegeta a sheepish smile. "Well, meat is sort of…"

"Hn. Trying to be one of those green peas again? Well, whatever, it's not that I mind, but I must warn you that you might suffocate later."

Goku rolled his eyes.

Vegeta went to sleep after lunch. Goku decided to follow his example.

oOoOo_Inside Vegeta's overly happy mind_oOoOo

"Kakarott, let's spar."

"Hmm? You sure? It's really hot in here."

Vegeta turned to Goku who had a huge fan in his hand and was fanning himself. Right. They were in the middle of the desert, but still…

"Trying to put on a show?"

"Isn't that what you usually want me to do?" Goku purred seductively while striking a sexy pose and tracing the fan over his body provocatively. He raised his hand to loosen the buttons on his shirt near the collar.

Vegeta watched the show for a minute. "What's with the clothes today? It doesn't suit you."

Goku smiled. "Really? I like them. They do highlight the advantages of my body, don't you think?" He smacked himself on the backside. "Especially these tight jeans. Aren't you in the mood today?" He winked.

"Hmm… There is a weird taste in my mouth. Something's fishy. Let's just spar today."

"Alright," Goku sighed giving in. His eyes then went up to a lone bush near them. "Oh look, the newbie showed up again."

Vegeta turned to look at the bush. Another Kakarott. The one who had previously been chasing some rice bowl. That was rich. Vegeta grinned. It seemed his luck was still on the upswing.

"Hello, Kakarott."

"Eeep," managed Goku No. 1. "He-hello." He waved his hand. Nervously, he looked at Goku No. 2.

"Oh, don't be shy," Goku No. 2 grinned at him. "We'll take a good care of you," he winked while blowing him an air kiss.

"Heh-hah-heh." Goku No. 1 scratched his head. He looked over to Vegeta whose eyes were telling him that it was indeed true.

"I love threesomes," Vegeta said.

"Eeep?"

Vegeta nodded. "Really. Brolly/Me/Nappa; Me/Brolly/Radditz; Radditz/Nappa/Me; Frieza/Me/Cooler; Bardock/Me/Kakarott; Piccolo/Me/Kakarott; Cell/Me/Gohan. And tentacles, many tentacles. You name it."

Vegeta blinked at the place in front of him where Goku No. 1 had just disappeared into thin air. "Huh?"

"He ran away." Goku No. 2 burst out laughing. "I told you your preferences aren't something a sane person can stomach!"

Vegeta's head snapped to him. "Shut your trap! It's them, they, the…" he looked around carefully, "…the AUTHORS," he whispered. "I'm not even gay to begin with!"

"Oh? That's news to me." Goku No. 2 grinned at him.

"This has got nothing to do with that!"

"Oh really? So it doesn't have anything to do with me being in your head? Naked?"

"I'm not gay! I'm a Saiyan! All of us are like that! It's not gay… It's… It's a racial trait! Yes! Do you even know that I can bear babies?"

"Haaah," Goku No. 2 exhaled slowly. He scratched his spiky head. "I don't think Goku will believe that. In fact, I don't think you need to mention it at all. You'll just freak him out."

"I know that, goddamit!" Vegeta snapped. "It's not because of that! I just…" he blushed. "I just think sometimes… That really, it's just so cute…all those little copies of me and him that we could make… Awww…." He shivered excitedly. "Cute! Definitely cute! I want a baby!"

"You do understand that there's a butt involved in the process?" Goku No. 2 asked carefully.

"Gah! Will you shut up?! I don't wanna hear it! Lalalalalalala," Vegeta closed his ears with his hands. "Crap doesn't exist. Flowers, flowers, many flowers! Gotta catch the fool first anyway!"

"Good luck!" Goku No. 2 waved at Vegeta who was speeding away after his twin. Goku No. 2 smiled brightly before slowly disappearing into thin air, leaving the other Goku the only player in the dream.

Goku noticed that Vegeta was fast. Incredibly fast. Why the hell was the perverted bastard so fast?! So fast that he managed to only blink before he was tied up.

"Sooo…" Vegeta drawled while circling the tree to whose base Goku was tied. "Did you actually think you could escape from me?"

Goku nodded. "I wouldn't have run otherwise," he pointed out.

Vegeta scratched his chin. "You seem to be getting smarter and smarter… Kinda makes me worried."

Goku glared at him. "You on the other hand seem to be getting…weirder. And more perverted," he added.

"Well, having your planet blown up, then having a difficult childhood with Frieza constantly raping you can do that to a person," Vegeta agreed.

Goku's brows crossed. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm not sure. But this is what…" Vegeta looked around carefully, "…what THEY say," he leaned to whisper into Goku's ear.

"They?"

"No. THEY."

"Oh, THEY!" he muttered after a minute. He wondered if he was thinking about the right THEM. "Well that must be very hard on you. But how the hell did they arrive at this conclusion?"

Vegeta shrugged. "It's all about drama. And sex," he added. "Especially sex."

"Oh."

"And let's end this topic. Criticizing has never done any good."

"Well…" Goku drawled, ready to argue. Then he reconsidered and scratched his head. "Maturing did, though," he concluded finally.

Goku No. 2 appeared from nowhere. "Well? Finally going to make him have your babies? You know, the audience is waiting…"

Vegeta hiccupped in distress. "Are you an idiot?"

"Well, people do call me that a lot."

"Don't be such a cliché. Be gone, pest. It's my dream, I do what I want."

"Are you so sure about it?" Giving Vegeta a look filled with pity, Goku No. 2 disappeared again.

"Bastard," Vegeta muttered under his breath. "Alright," he circled Goku who looked quite comfortable, leaning on the pole he was tied to.

"Alright what?" Goku inquired.

Vegeta scratched his head. "I'm not that sure. I mean I have you here. Tied."

"And?"

"And…" Vegeta's forehead furrowed in concentration. "And that's about it," he finished, worrying about his state of mind. "Actually why are you in my dream? I mean, it's you, right? The real one?"

Goku considered it. "Hmm…" he pursed his lips, then pinched himself a few times. "Yes," he finally admitted. "I think it has something to do with Baba."

"Why her?" Vegeta wondered.

"I don't know, I just have a feeling it's her doing."

"Anyways, whatever the case is, let's agree on one thing," Vegeta said.

"And what's that?"

"Neither of us will ever mention anything about this stupid dream. You know, dreams can't be controlled. It's not my fault that another Kakarott is running around naked. Half-naked, I mean," he corrected himself.

Goku sighed in relief. "Agreed."

XXXXX

"Idiots!" Baba screamed. "Idiots! I give them the perfect opportunity and they… They are idiots!"

"Agreed," Yamcha endorsed. "I thought that at least Vegeta would be smarter."

Baba sighed. She rubbed her crystal ball with her palms. "Alright, let's start working on another one."

XXXXX

"Alright. Which brick was it again?" Vegeta wondered aloud while observing the insanely huge lion.

"Hmm… I believe the two hundred and sixty-seventh brick."

Vegeta turned to look at him. "Whoa! You…" His mouth fell shut when Goku's fist swam into his vision. Vegeta frowned. Was he only imagining it or was Kakarott disciplining him? Besides, whatever it was, Kakarott seemed to be good at it. Was he going to turn into a dog or something?

Vegeta glared at Goku again. "Alright. Two hundred and sixty-seventh brick. From where?"

Goku blinked at him. "I don't really remember."

Vegeta smiled. "Really?"

"Vegeta!"

The prince threw his arms about. "Oh, c'mon! The world will stop revolving if I can't even sneer or mock you! I have to maintain my badass image somehow!"

"Eh?"

"Never mind."

"I don't really buy your tough-guy image," Goku admitted after walking around the Sphinx for a few minutes. "I don't really think you are bad at all. Your exterior doesn't correspond with your interior. You just pretend that you are cold, you push everyone away because you are scared to attach yourself to someone. I think you're just afraid to be hurt."

Vegeta had stopped walking and now was staring at Goku's mouth. Slowly, the prince's lips stretched into a killer smile. "Yes, I also love flowerbeds, have wings and play harp in my free time. I also pick up stray cats and keep them in my hair to warm them up. Oh, and I always cry during sex."

Goku's eyes seemed to be close to popping out of his skull. "No shit?" he managed finally.

Vegeta, with the same blood-chilling facial expression, smiled wider. "Goddamit, Kakarott!" he burst out suddenly. "Do you really think that I'm some weepy emo?!"

"What's an 'emo'?"

"Doesn't matter! What matters is that I would never do those things if THEY didn't make me do them!"

"'THEY'?" Goku repeated, his forehead furrowing while trying to make sense of what the prince was saying. "Are we talking about the same "THEY"?"

Vegeta looked around carefully. He leaned in to Goku. "Yes," he whispered into Goku's ear, "'THEY', the authors."

Goku startled. "Shhhhh!" he hissed. Paling visibly, he looked around with panic stricken eyes. He could still remember the last time he had been turned into a woman with a macho complex. There were also times when he could swear that some of "THEM" were trying to make him look like an absolute idiot.

"It's a forbidden topic," Goku mumbled, hardly opening his mouth.

Vegeta nodded. "I know."

"Here, look!" Goku exclaimed suddenly, reaching his hand out. "This…"

Vegeta's eyes shot to Goku's as the ground under their feet crumbled suddenly. "Kakarott, how many times do I have to tell you not to stick your hands everywhere?!" he yelled at the tall Saiyan.

"Eh. Sorry. Haaaaa!" Goku shrieked as the two of them tumbled into the newly opened hole.

"I'm gonna kill you, idiot!" Vegeta howled at Goku while they were falling down a dark tunnel. Down below the prince heard something hit the ground painfully. "Kakarott," he asked while landing on his feet softly, "can it be that you forgot that you can fly?"

Vegeta heard an answering groan then, in the dim light coming through the hole in the ceiling, he saw Goku climbing to his feet. Sighing, Vegeta flared his ki to light up their surroundings. He looked up to the ceiling. High. He lowered his head. The two of them had fallen into a cavern of some sort. In front of them there was a quite narrow passage. It was pitch dark in there and it was not clear where it would lead but Vegeta had a very clear foreboding feeling that he was going to have to go in there. He suspected that it must also have something to do with "THEM", especially with HER.

TBC


	7. Part 7

**banimelover6000**: This fic is different, that's why there are few reviews. Besides, DBZ popularity has dropped quite a bit since the time I posted a DBZ fic last. You'll read about it in this chapter :D

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money.

Warnings: Yaoi (male x male), Goku/Vegeta

A/N: Thanks to achillona for her support!

**Underlying Conspiracy**

by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Victoria

Part 7

Vegeta and Goku were staring forward at the tunnel which receded into a hole of darkness. The feeling that they would be forced to go there still had not left Vegeta.

"Well, let's just look for the damn flower," he muttered against his will. "The witch said it was supposed to be somewhere under or inside the Sphinx after all."

"Yeah, it must be really mystical for it to grow in absolute darkness," Goku snickered. He was still dusting his gi off and cursing "THEM" for making him look like a fool.

Vegeta nodded in agreement. But he could bet that in this darkness he was entering right now there were much more interesting things lurking around than some mangy flower.

Vegeta created a small ki-ball to light their way and then moved forward. Goku followed him closely. Despite that it had been hot and dry on the surface, the air in the tunnel was musty and smelled of mold and dampness. The further into the passage they went, the wider it was becoming and soon the two Saiyans were able to walk side by side.

"Eeep."

Goku kicked a rat to the side where Vegeta jumped at least a meter away from it. Goku chuckled, amused, and continued walking forward.

"I hate rats," Vegeta shuddered. He caught up with Goku. "Once I overate them and…"

Goku stopped to stare at Vegeta. "Overate?!"

Vegeta blinked at him. "Well, we were stranded on that stupid planet and there were only rats and other shit around. Believe me," he poked with his finger on Goku's nose, "after a few days of no eating, anything that moves looks incredibly delicious. Although, I don't need to tell you that - I've seen you eating worms."

Goku blushed brightly but nobody saw it in the poor light. "Listen, people eat them! They are quite nice when fried."

Vegeta shrugged. "Sure."

The two of them stopped shortly as the end of the tunnel suddenly turned into a huge hall.

"Whoa…"

"Yeah…" Vegeta agreed while looking around. He flared the ki-ball in his hand to see the hall better.

The huge hall was hollowed in rock. It was filled with various statues and armors. There were also a few torches fastened on the walls. One huge chest caught Vegeta's interest.

Goku launched a few ki sparks to light the torches. Looking around for possibly growing flowers, the two of them approached the chest. Vegeta tapped the wooden, half-rotten chest with his foot carefully. There was something about it…

"Kakarott, open the chest."

Goku turned to him then walked over to the chest. "Hmmm…" Goku drawled after opening it. "It's empty."

While looking at Goku, Vegeta scratched his chin thoughtfully. "You have just been cursed."

Goku snickered. "As if you know anything about curses…"

"Well, sure I don't know much about them, but the one which is floating over your stupid head does seem to really love you."

Goku twirled his finger next to his temple. "Have you gone completely bonkers? You… HAAA!" he shrieked when something had suddenly struck him on his bottom. "Goddamit!" Goku cursed. "What the hell was that?!"

"Your curse," Vegeta replied calmly.

"What curse are you talking about?!" Goku growled at him.

"The one over your head," Vegeta pointed with his hand.

Glaring, Goku raised his head to look above him. He froze. "I'll be damned…" he muttered, shocked.

"You already are," Vegeta grinned at him happily.

Goku's head snapped to the prince. "You… HAH!" He jumped two feet into the air then turned back to the cloud over his head. "What the heck is that thing?!" It looked like a small dark cloud with sizzling streaks of lightning inside it. It wasn't big, just exactly the right size to be able to float over his head.

"Oh!" Vegeta raised his index finger into the air excitedly as a splendid idea occurred to him. He took one of his capsules and opened it. "Hmm…" he peered inside. "I'm sure I had it somewhere… Where is it?" he muttered while ransacking through the various capsule contents. "Oh, here it is."

"Hmm?" Hopeful, Goku approached the prince.

"Here," Vegeta pushed an umbrella into Goku's hands. "I can tell that it's going to rain a lot."

Goku stared at Vegeta's overly happy face that was transmitting malicious vibes. The next second the umbrella smashed into the prince's head, flattening his hairdo to his scalp. Vegeta looked at the bits and pieces of the umbrella that were lying at his feet.

"That hurt," he muttered.

XXXXX

After half an hour of nonstop rain, Goku deeply regretted his decision to break the umbrella that Vegeta had wanted to give him. He was wet and freezing cold, and the damn cloud didn't seem to be letting up soon. He had tried to outrun the cloud. Tried to blast it. Tried to kick it. Tried to talk to it nicely. Nuh-huh, didn't work. There was another thought that bothered Goku, too. For some reason Vegeta was always walking behind him now. It wouldn't have been that weird, except that normally the prince would puff his chest out, say some idiotic nonsense about being the prince of all Saiyans and insist on walking first.

"Vegeta, it's not fair that I'm the one taking the risk all the time! You are a coward!"

Silence.

"Vegeta, this is a new low. I have never thought of you as a coward."

Silence. Only the light tap of boots against the sandy stone.

Worried that Vegeta might have gone deaf or something even worse might have happened to him, like the lice eating his brain out (Goku sometimes had weird thoughts and worries), he turned around. "Vegeta, didn't you hear what I said? I said you were a real coward for always sending me forward first."

"Hmm?" Vegeta drawled thoughtfully, blinking. He peeled his eyes off the scenery that had somehow shifted and let them climb from Goku's crotch to his face. "Coward, you say?" he drawled again absentmindedly. "Yeah, sure. Okay," he motioned with his hand for Goku to keep walking, "c'mon, stop disrupting my scenery and go."

"What scenery, you mor… HAAH!" Goku shrieked as that damned cloud struck him with a bolt of lighting to the bottom again. There had to be some connection between that curse and Vegeta! "There is no scenery," he said, recovering, "only walls around us!"

Vegeta grinned, pointing at him. "But I have my own walking waterfall!"

"Goddam… HAH!" Furious, Goku's head snapped to the cloud. "Stop it, you bitch! HAAAAH!"

"It's getting boring, Kakarott. Start walking."

Hissing, Goku glared at Vegeta, but moved forward. Blissfully, Vegeta's eyes settled back on the freshly watered valleys of Goku's behind. It was smoking a little, but it only added to the exotic feel of it all.

"We gotta exorcize it!" Goku decided.

"Hmm… Exorcise a curse? I thought that only worked for spirits… Not that I believe in them anyway. Besides, why exorcise such a wonderful curse?" Vegeta wondered innocently.

"There must be a way to pass one's curse to another!" Goku snarled.

"Hmm… That would be no fun. You know what I think?"

"What?" Goku asked, turning to glare at him.

"It might be better if you got a lighting-conductor. I mean, you would just need to…"

Goku reddened in anger. "Shut the hell up! HAAH! Why the hell does this cloud like you so much anyway?!"

"Must be my badass image."

They walked for a few minutes in complete silence while Goku's brain was working overtime.

"Do you know Naruto?"

Vegeta nodded, scratching his head enthusiastically. "Oh yes, yes. Naruto. Of course, I know it. If you want to be fashionable and fit into anime society, you must watch it!"

Goku's face brightened. "Ah, so this is where the catch is! It's like Harry Potter! You either read it or you don't exist at all!"

"Yes, yes," Vegeta nodded. "But the only thing I don't get is that Sasuke. The guy would be supercool and irresistible but that constant… Itachi! Must kill Itachi! Kill, kill! Must get stronger than Itachi! Kill him! Kill Itachi! Itachi, Itachi!" Vegeta yelled at no one in particular. "Is he obsessed with the guy or something?! He drives me crazy with that!"

Goku stared at him. He pursed his lips then shrugged. It was better not to shatter Vegeta's illusion that he was the smartest of all Saiyans. Besides, Vegeta needed to catch up with the latest episodes.

"So anyway," Goku continued, "I just thought you might be able to relate to some of the characters…"

Vegeta thought for a moment. Goku didn't seem to be squirming and trying to scratch his privates recently, so Vegeta decided that Goku's crabs were snoozing or at least had shrunk from wetness and cold.

"Nope. Nothing rings a bell."

Goku sighed. "I think you are not as smart as you believe…"

The cloud hissed, charged, aimed at Goku, struck and…missed.

"You, fucker!" Vegeta growled at the cloud. "What the hell are you doing, you blind idiot?! Where are your damn eyes?! Stupid asshole!"

The cloud swirled, hissed and changed its color to almost black. It flew over to Vegeta, and Goku braced himself.

Vegeta stood, his legs spread wide. He threw the cloud a challenging glare. "You dare to mess with me, bitch? Just try and I'll end your miserable life! You think I am afraid of some piece of floating shit?! Get lost, you pathetic excuse for a cloud! You crappy…"

By the time Vegeta finished speaking, the cloud had shrunk to a tiny dot and, not waiting for long, it quickly snuck through the door and into the hallway, away from Vegeta. If the thing had had a tail, it would have been tucked between its legs.

Enamored, Goku stared at the prince. "Wow. How did you manage that?" It seemed Vegeta had just intimidated the curse away.

Vegeta snorted. "Listen, I was given away to Frieza by my own father; I grew up on board his ship with stinky lizards while licking Frieza's boots; my planet blew up; I got my ass kicked by a third-class; got seduced by a blue-haired witch and have a kid who, at ten years old, is already smarter than me; I am still trying to get stronger than that idiotic third-class and I'm looking for some ridiculous flower; not to mention I care for that damned third-…" Vegeta blinked, catching himself. "So, anyways! -No curse can compare to the one I already have. If any other curse ever looked my way, my curse would beat the crap out of it in a second!"

Goku stared at him for a few seconds silently. "Well, either way, thank you for getting rid of it," he managed.

Vegeta's chest puffed out proudly. "You are very welcome. Just tell me if you ever need my help."

"Don't get too carried away," Goku warned him.

They stopped as the tunnel split two different ways. Both looked very dark and not appealing at all.

"Well, which way?" Goku inquired.

Vegeta observed both tunnels then shrugged. "Let's try the right one."

"How do you know it's right?"

"Don't start," Vegeta shut him up.

They walked forward, the tunnel becoming wider. It soon led them into a larger hall. Stepping into it, Vegeta flared up his ki to illuminate the surroundings. About three hundred skulls sitting atop armed skeletons turned toward them. Goku smiled at them in a friendly manner. Vegeta immediately extinguished his ki, engulfing the hall in darkness once again.

"Have a plan?" Goku asked a bit nervously. He could hear the rattle of bones assembling and heading their way.

Vegeta shortly stuck his head into the hall to observe the oncoming skeletons. "Yes," he nodded.

Expectantly, Goku stared at Vegeta's mouth.

"Run!" the prince yelled.

Goku stared for some time at Vegeta's disappearing back. "Fucking unbelievable." He peeked behind the corner at the approaching army to see how much time they had.

Face to face, he and a skeleton stared at each other.

"EEEEEEEEEEK!" Goku shrieked. And then he turned around and ran. Vegeta's plan was good.

His legs only a blur, Goku skidded down the corridor, reached another branch that they had ignored earlier and turned into it. Five minutes of heavy running later, he saw stairs leading upwards. After climbing them, he finally caught up with the prince. Vegeta was standing at the top of the stairs and staring at the wall right in front of him.

"Well," the prince drawled, "it's a dead end. I suppose someone built the stairs but forgot to make a corridor they would lead into."

"Will we die?"

"Hmm…" Vegeta ruffled through his hair. "A difficult question. Recently the interest has dimmed and our popularity is spiraling downwards. I feel more and more lonely. It's like our entire world is dying."

"What are you talking about?" Goku panted out.

"About Dragon Ball. And Dragon Ball Z. Dragon Ball GT should have never existed in the first place. And that Twentieth Century Fox movie will be the end of us."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

Panting, Goku observed the wall. He turned his head back to where they could hear the jingling of swords and the rattle of bones coming at them. One or two more minutes and the skeletons would start climbing the stairs. He turned back to the wall.

"Ka-me-ha-me-ha!"

It took a while for the dust to settle down, and then they saw that the only thing Goku did was raise a tornado of dust and sand and dig out a tunnel of about three meters in length.

"Well," he looked at Vegeta apologetically. "I didn't think it would do any good if any of the pyramids or the Sphinx collapsed on us…"

Vegeta coughed out a few rocks then wiped the soot and dust off his face. "Well, let's just fry them, then," he shrugged. "You seem to be good at that."

"You have not an ounce of compassion!" Goku snarled.

Vegeta shrugged. "I'll be compassionate and let them cut you down then, so as not to stress them out too much." He grinned brightly at Goku's offered scowl.

With baited breath, both of them were scanning the ground below and waited for the skeletons to approach the stairs.

"Oh." Vegeta remembered suddenly. He turned to Goku. "Just don't forget to tear your gi off when you are almost dead," he advised.

Goku gave him an incredulous look but nodded. He scratched his spiky head. "And what about the pants?"

"I'll do that for you."

Goku nodded. "Oh!" he suddenly had an idea. "Remember Bulma's packet that Piccolo gave us? I think the circumstances fit the bill for opening it."

"Then open that damn packet! Faster!" Vegeta yelled at him, watching the skeletons appear from behind the corner, heading for the stairs. "Stop fidgeting! Hurry up!"

Goku unwrapped the packet with lightning speed then got confused, after he saw that it was only a tube. "Err…" he fiddled with the tube. "It's a tube of lubricant. It says it's based on water." He looked at a small packet that was added next to the tube. "Are these condoms, Vegeta?"

TBC


	8. Part 8

**Miako6:** I'm glad you liked :)

**animelover6000**: I think DBZ is classic, I suppose if i ever have my kids, they'll probably watch it too. It's like Tom and Jerry. Yah, Naruto... Let's just leave Naruto alone, maybe it will kick the bucket faster :D

xxxx

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money.

Warnings: Yaoi (male x male), Goku/Vegeta

A/N: Thanks to achillona for her support!

**Underlying Conspiracy** by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 8

Vegeta was silent. For some time, all that could be heard were the approaching shouts of the skeletons and the rattle of bones and rusty swords.

"We have been duped," Vegeta said after a pause. With his finger, he poked the condoms and the tube of lubricant in Goku's hands.

Goku was staring at the unwrapped packet. "I don't get it."

"I think I do."

"Okay," Goku shrugged, "at least one of us knows what's going on."

"I wouldn't exactly say that…" Vegeta stared at the lube then shrugged. "What the heck," he finally decided. He glanced down the stairs, finalflashed about some thirty skeletons then turned back to Goku. "Give me that damn lube. And take your clothes off."

Goku held out the lube for Vegeta and began to fidget with his clothes. Since Vegeta had always been the brain of their small group he decided not to question him. "Look, their bones are sticking back together again," Goku shuddered in horror. They are coming fast," he whined, undoing his sash.

"We'll have time to finish," Vegeta calmed him down, pulling his black tank top over his head.

"Finish what?" Goku asked, jumping on one foot while trying to take his boot off.

Vegeta faltered. "You really don't get it, do you?"

"It depends what I should get…" Goku tried to justify himself while continuing to take his other boot off.

"Ah, fuck," Vegeta growled angrily. "You spoiled my mood. Put your clothes back on."

Goku just sighed and started dressing. "Make up your mind." Then he brightened suddenly. "Hey! Give me the tube!"

A little worried that Goku was trying to trick him, Vegeta gave him the lube. He watched Goku scurry down the stairs, uncap the tube and start pouring the contents over the steps. Gradually climbing upstairs, he squeezed out the entire tube and, once back on the platform, tossed it aside. "Let's see how they like that," he declared proudly.

The skeletons did not like it at all. A few steps were more or less fine but climbing further proved to be impossible. They slipped, rolled, and fell over. Bones creaked, broke, snapped, came loose, and got disconnected. They composed themselves, got up and tried again. Then they slipped and fell and broke again.

"How did Bulma know that we would need this stuff?" Goku wondered.

"Beats me," Vegeta shrugged, saying a silent prayer to the heavens for Kakarott's blessed idiocy.

Goku's amused laughter dimmed when, some five minutes later, the skeletons finally decided that their current approach wasn't going to work and, at the base of the stairs, clustered into a circle to confer with each other. Finally, they broke apart, grinning. At least it looked like that.

"What the hell are they up to?" Goku wondered.

Vegeta scrutinized the emerging formation downstairs then sighed. "It seems they are pretty smart."

Both of them stared at the ladder that had started forming: one skeleton lay down onto the first step, another started climbing over it, then, its feet resting on the first skeleton's collarbones, the second skeleton also laid down. The column was moving forward fast.

Goku and Vegeta watched them uneasily.

"Any bright ideas?" Vegeta asked.

"I was under impression that was your field," Goku grunted out.

"Despite that it's hard to admit, I think it's fifty-fifty," Vegeta muttered. He fumbled about in his belt then retrieved a bottle of something transparent. He raised the bottle to inspect the colorless liquid. "Well, this could be anything from water to vinegar…" he ventured a guess.

The row of skeletons had already reached them, the closest one already trying to set its foot onto the top of the stairs. Vegeta's arm swung backwards and the bottle flew right into the skeleton's head. He never knew whether the contents of the bottle had worked or what had been in the bottle because the bottle had neatly taken off the head of the skeleton and zoomed across the hall where both the bottle and the skull shattered against the opposite wall.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Goku yelled at Vegeta. "You open it and pour it on them!"

The headless skeleton trotted about without any sense of direction, just swinging its sword wildly. Irritated, Goku kicked the headless skeleton back downstairs. His foot then aimed at the skull of the second skeleton which had taken the place of its fallen comrade-in-arms.

"I think you have another bottle of something shiny with swirling colors," Vegeta said, watching Goku working out.

"Right."

"Doesn't it just make you feel as if you were stuck in an RPG game? All these items we don't know exactly how to use…"

Goku gave Vegeta a scrutinizing look. "If I had my way, I'd never let you play video games again!"

Goku got the bottle out of his capsule. He uncapped it and sprayed the contents all over the climbing skeletons. The smell of chamomile and lilies filled the hall. Nothing else happened except for the skeletons looking more refreshed and their bones shinier.

"Alright, Sphinx or no Sphinx, I'm not going to allow myself to get killed by a pile of rotten bones!" Vegeta dropped into his fighting stance and raised his hands. "Final Fl…"

"Santa Barbara's on!"

Vegeta blinked as the entire mass of skeletons stopped climbing suddenly. "Huh?"

With an idiotic expression adorning his face, Vegeta lowered his hands and watched the formation of disentangling skeletons turn around and hurry back in the direction they had come from.

In a second the entire hall had emptied, and only a few lost bones and pieces of rotting flesh remained. But after giving the hall a more discerning look, a huddled pile of bones caught his eyes.

"Hey, Kakarott, there's something over there. Go, check it out."

Goku clucked his tongue, discontent. "You sure know how to order others around. There's no way I'm going. It's time for you to get a curse of your own."

"Hmm…" Vegeta drawled. "You seem to have become smarter…" Resigned, he started walking down toward the huddling thing.

"Hey, Kakarott! It's a skeleton, come over here, you moron!"

Before approaching the thing, Goku spat three times over his shoulder then made the sign of the cross before him. But it really was a skeleton. One that was tied up one and lying on the floor, at that. And it looked rather lost.

Goku squatted down. Resting his hands on his knees, he scrutinized it for a few seconds. "Hello, how are you? I'm Goku. This is Vegeta," he motioned at the prince who was looking down at Goku skeptically, like one would look at a man trying to walk straight through a wall of bricks. "What's your name?"

The skeleton stared at Goku for about a minute. It seemed to be quite nonplussed. The skeleton turned to Vegeta whose wicked smirk would have made him piss himself if he had a bladder. It turned back to the more friendly man.

"Danny."

Goku grinned brightly. "Well, hello, Danny!" Tentatively, Goku poked the rotting pile of bones. "Why are you here alone?"

The skeleton gave the spiky-haired man a look that could only be described as tearful. "I'm gay. They hate me."

"Aren't all skeletons gay?" Goku asked, surprised.

Flabbergasted, Vegeta looked at him. "How so?"

"Well, all skeletons smile happily… I always thought it must be really great on the other side. And it indeed is."

"Heh-heheheh," Vegeta managed. He slapped himself on his forehead. "I think he meant it in a different way."

"Huh?"

Sighing, Vegeta raised his hands. Slowly, he brought his two index fingers together at the tips and then repeated the motion.

"Oooooh," Goku drawled. "Homosexual, you mean?"

Vegeta blinked then let his hands drop back to his sides. "Yeah." He had no idea Kakarott had known the word. Surprise, surprise.

"Poor thing," Goku sighed. He pondered on something for a few moments. "Well…" he scratched his chin. Then, with a serious look on his face, he asked, "Haven't you tried to explain it to them? You know, I mean, you're just like everyone else, only…"

The skeleton looked as if Goku had insulted his intelligence. "Of course, I have tried to fight for tolerance of the gay community and widen their vision! I even arranged a gay pride parade! Well, true, I was the only one taking part in it, but…"

"That must be it."

Both Goku and Danny looked at Vegeta.

"The pride parade," Vegeta explained. "Well, you don't see us," he coughed slightly, "heterosexuals, half-naked, parading with posters, saying that we are heterosexuals."

"What the hell don't you understand?!" Goku yelled at him. "We… I mean, he is proud to be homosexual! Aren't you?" Goku turned to look at Danny.

Danny stared back at him then looked at the other man. There was some weird atmosphere here. "I just want to be together with Timmy!" he started crying suddenly. "I've tried everything!"

Vegeta turned to Goku who was sniffling, tears falling from his eyes. Vegeta scratched his chin.

"Poor soul!" Goku cried. "And they still…?"

"They hate me," the skeleton repeated, nodding. Goku grabbed the teetering skull before it could fall off and stuck it back into its place. "Thank you."

"We can't let this injustice continue!" Goku declared suddenly.

Vegeta's eyes popped out. Unbelievable. "Is this some genetic failure? Is Saiyaman back?" he inquired.

Goku gave him the finger.

"But maybe you did something to incur their anger?" Vegeta asked, realizing that there was no way to end this sooner except for going along with Kakarott. Vegeta couldn't tell for sure but it seemed that the skeleton's skull was blushing. "What about that Timmy? Is he your boyfriend?"

The skeleton started crying again. At least it looked like that. "Well, I jumped Timmy's bones… He didn't like that."

"Jumped his bones…?" Goku scratched his head, confused. "Ehh?"

"I pity you, Kakarott," Vegeta commented. "So here you are," he addressed Danny. "Stop jumping everyone's bones and you'll be just fine. Let's go, Kakarott!" he turned to follow in the direction where the skeletons had disappeared.

Goku gasped. "You have no heart, Vegeta!"

"But I still have brains which you obviously lack, and that guy," Vegeta pointed at the lying skeleton, "has none at all."

Goku offered him a glare. "It won't cost you anything to try and help for once!"

"Oh yes, it might," Vegeta shook his head. "It might cost my life. It usually does. Like those fights with Frieza and Buu."

"But you fought Frieza…"

"I was trying to help myself then," Vegeta cut Goku off. "And I'm proud of it."

Goku shrugged. "So Danny, let's untie you and see what can be done about this."

Vegeta groaned. He watched Goku untying the skeleton. Then the newfound buddies headed off in the direction of the others. Vegeta stared after them then just decided to wait this foolishness out. Keeping a small ball of his ki for light, he walked back and sat down on the stairs.

Ten minutes later Kakarott and the skeleton appeared in the hall again. The moods did not seem high. Kakarott's shoulders were slumped and the skeleton…well, it looked more dead than usual.

"So how did the negotiations go?" Vegeta asked after Goku approached him.

Goku lowered his head. "No good. Timmy ran away as soon as he saw Danny. He was shouting for them not to let Danny get near him."

"Aww…" Vegeta patted Goku on the shoulder. "Don't be so upset. You did everything in your power. Let's go home. NOW," he added quite demandingly.

"We'll declare hunger strike!" Goku announced suddenly.

Vegeta looked at the pile of bones that was standing next to him. He turned back to Goku then inquired politely, "Are you stupid?"

His tail curling up into a question mark, Goku looked at Vegeta.

"Right. And why do I even ask?" sighed Vegeta. "Listen, Timmy doesn't like him, be he gay or straight. There's nothing you can do about it!"

"Alright, I understand. But this is so sad! So unfair!" Goku teared up. "Oh!" he exclaimed cheerfully, suddenly remembering. "You were saying something about home?"

Vegeta stared at Goku's bright face for a few seconds. After all these years he still could not get used to Goku's all-encompassing optimism. "Yes," he nodded. "That flower is a scam. We should go home."

"Ehh?" Goku drawled confused.

"It doesn't exist, Kakarott. The damn witch sent us to look for something that doesn't exist."

"Why?"

Unexpectedly, Goku seemed to be genuinely interested, and Vegeta found himself looking for a convincing explanation that had nothing to do with the real reason.

"Hmm… Why, you ask… What was the reason…?" Vegeta wracked his brains. "Well… Like sightseeing, maybe?"

Goku's eyes sparkled. "Yes! I always wanted to see the pyramids! How nice of her! But…" he got confused then. "What about Yamcha?"

"Weeeelll…" Vegeta was seized by another spasm of frantic thinking. "It was hemorrhoids. Yes, hemorrhoids," he confirmed, happy with his explanation. "After all, I had been kicking his ass through that apartment for a few minutes."

"Oh, so he was just embarrassed!" Goku sighed in relief. "I was seriously worried about him. But he bled a lot, didn't he?"

"A serious case of hemorrhoids!" Vegeta said almost immediately. He scratched his cheek. His brains were squeaking with the effort. If Kakarott continued this cross-examination… "Kakarott, are you hungry?"

"Oh yes! Let's go back to the surface and eat something!" Goku agreed enthusiastically, his train of thought cut off and forgotten. He held out an oblong object in his hand. "Here, I found a candle in one of those chests. We can light our way out."

Vegeta wasn't listening to him, he was already heading out of the hall and into the corridor. "Bye, Danny!" Goku turned around to wave at the skeleton. With a spark of his ki, Goku lit his candle. He did not see Danny's wider than usual eye sockets.

It went BOOM. The ceiling suddenly became...well, there suddenly wasn't a ceiling at all anymore. Just rubble and dust everywhere.

A few minutes later, when Goku's ears stopped ringing and his head spinning, he heard someone coughing and sniffling somewhere farther from him. He opened his eyes. He had his protective shield on. The round contours of it shimmered, even though it was completely dark everywhere.

"Kakarott!" Vegeta screamed.

Goku stuck his finger into his ear and twirled it around for a good measure. "Yeah?"

"Ah. So you are alive," came Vegeta's now calm voice. "Good. Now I can kill you."

"Whoops?" Goku tried.

"The fuck whoops!" Vegeta yelled. "You have just blown up the Sphinx!"

"…Ehh…whoops?" Goku tried again. Then he remembered. "Oh no. Daaannnyyyyy!"

TBC


	9. Part 9

**animelover6000**: Well, yes, you can say that Goku is a TAD BIT dense. And an idiot when I want him to be one, hehehe

Well, I don't think I cried watching BDZ. I think I was too old for that already:)

**jezboo: **You know, your review has made my day. I put a lot into this fic, even if sometimes it seems that I was writing random nonsense it's not really so. It's a bit different fic, very…hmm…many-sided. So thank you very much for your appreciation!

Btw, I do allow anonymous reviews both on AFF and here. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't.

**Miako6**: Yes, Goku really worried about Danny and wanted to help him, but you know how they say: the road to hell is paved with good intentions… Poor Danny. Amen. Although he was dead long ago anyway.

xxxxx

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money.

Warnings: Shounen-ai, Goku x Vegeta

**Underlying Conspiracy** by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 9

The steam in the bathroom was dense, the mirror covered in dew. Goku closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the end of the bathtub. He exhaled happily. Life was beautiful. Going home, having a nice, hot bath, being relaxed. What more could one need?

A minute later, the water in the bathtub swirled. A few seconds later, the whirls calmed down. Another two minutes later Goku gave his privates a good scratch again. Yes, Goku thought, one could do with a good shave. He stood up and started ransacking the cupboard that hung over the bathtub. After a few moments of searching, he brandished a razor. A little unsure, Goku looked down at his privates, then raised his head to look at the razor. He didn't have much experience in these things.

"Hmm…" Goku hummed, taking the soap from its container. "The slicker the better," he decided.

Ten minutes later Goku could be found grimacing in pain. He washed the razor in the bathtub, letting the hairs that were stuck in the blades join their merrily swimming friends in the water. Then he took another look at himself. He would have been perfectly content but for about ten cuts. Nonetheless, he thought he managed to deal with this quite well – despite the enormous pain, he still had his thingy on. He had no idea how people did this just for…for...

Goku blinked. Actually why did people do it?

Sighing, Goku reached his arm out to put the razor back in its place above the bathtub. "Hmm…" he wondered after his eye caught a few hairs sticking out from under his armpit. "Hmm…" he hummed again.

XXXXX

Vegeta was trying to make dinner from whatever scraps he managed to find in his and Goku's capsules. He startled at the scream that suddenly came from behind him.

"What?" he turned around. "What?!"

"Don't!" Goku approached him carefully, on his tiptoes. "Don't touch the stove," he whispered. "Now slowly, carefully move away from it. Don't touch the switch… Vegeta… be good, don't…"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Vegeta cursed, sticking a knife right through the cutting board and into the cupboard underneath it. "I'm perfectly capable of cooking!"

Goku gave a fearful look at the still vibrating knife. Two more centimeters and it would have gone straight into the gas-stove burner and blown both them and the house to bits.

"It's not that you're incapable of cooking…" Goku said, carefully approaching him. "It's rather that kitchens don't like you. They tend to…blow up. Do you remember what happened last time when you tried to make a stew?"

Vegeta nodded. He could still remember carrots stuck in the ceiling. It took about a day for Bulma's father to pry all of them out.

"Well, then it's best you move away from the gas-stove," Goku said.

Vegeta scowled at him. He reached out for a pan. No failure had ever reduced his determination. Even if it killed him which, by the way, happened not that rarely. "We'll be having eggs and…" Vegeta looked around. "Tomatoes, potatoes, onions, noodles and milk?" he finished enumerating without missing a beat.

Goku scratched his head. "Well, I'm glad you know how to fry eggs. I think we can also do something with those potatoes." He sniffed around. "Why do I smell gas?" His gaze went towards the stove. "Don't touch the matches, Vegeta."

"Hmm?" Vegeta wondered. "I never thought about touching them." He raised his hand. Goku grabbed at it.

"And no ki either," he said, switching the stove off. He went to open the window and air out the kitchen. Then he turned around to take in the mess Vegeta had caused in the kitchen. Trying to think of the best way to prepare everything, he ruffled through his hair.

"Kakarott?"

"Hmm?"

"What the hell is wrong with your armpit?"

"Hmm?" Goku drawled, absentmindedly. He turned his head to take a look at his armpit. "Oh. I shaved it."

There was a loud clang as Vegeta dropped the pan he was holding to the floor. He stared at Goku.

"I'm a bit afraid to ask, but why?" he managed finally.

"Oh, you know," Goku blushed, "it was those crabs. So I was shaving myself and then, I suppose, I got caught up in the moment and…well, here," he whispered, embarrassed, raising his both arms for Vegeta to see.

"Riiight," Vegeta said. He stared at Goku, then stared at him some more. A wistful expression appeared on his face. "So you are all clean? Down there?" he gulped, licking his suddenly dry lips.

Goku blinked. "Well…yeah. Oh," he lowered his arms. "That reminds me. Why aren't you scratching your head anymore?"

Vegeta was still staring at Goku. Or, more precisely, at the front of his gi pants. "What?" he suddenly raised his head. "What did you say?"

"I asked why you stopped scratching your head," Goku repeated patiently. He could swear that Vegeta's concentration was not what it used to be. Must be the age or something, he figured.

"Ah, that," Vegeta nodded. "I went super Saiyan and the bugs just fried."

"Oh crap!" Goku smacked himself on the forehead. "And why didn't I think of that?!"

Vegeta withheld his comments. "But why the heck did you have to go and shave your armpits? Blargh! Disgusting," he scowled. "Like one of those wimpy men. Look!" Vegeta raised his right arm. "This is what a real man should look like!"

Goku couldn't be sure but for a split second he could swear he saw hippos and giraffes grazing in a thriving jungle. Content that he had made an impact based on the look on Goku's face, Vegeta lowered his arm.

"And to think that I even shaved my tail for you…" Goku muttered unconsciously. "I shouldn't have bothered. Seriously…"

Vegeta's brow rose. "For me…?" he whispered. He was looking at Goku with dazed eyes. Then he suddenly realized another thing. "Shaved your tail?!" he screamed in horror. "Oh my fucking god! Show it to me! How could you!?"

Goku scratched his head, unfazed. "It's like once you pop, you can't stop. I started and I just shaved, shaved…shaved!" he smiled tentatively.

Vegeta grabbed Goku by his sash and tugged at it with enough strength to make Goku spin around and unwrap.

"I'll soooo pop you!" Vegeta roared, as a bare pathetically reddish appendage revealed itself before his eyes. It was cut in about twenty places. "This is your Saiyan heritage! And you go and do what?! –You shave it! You shaved your Saiyan heritage! Oh my fucking god!" Vegeta tore at his hair. "You shaved it!"

"Oh, c'mon!" Goku threw his hands out. "It'll grow back."

"I hope at least your dick is still intact!" Vegeta hissed at him, pointing at red gashes on his tail. "And hope there is still enough left to grow back at all!"

Goku blushed lightly. "It does hurt a little."

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Vegeta threw his hands again. He had no idea what else to say. Goku was a lost cause.

Goku waved it off. "No need to get so agitated about this – it's just hair. Now let's see what we'll have for dinner."

An hour later Goku and Vegeta could be found happily eating fried potatoes. A huge pot of noodles was still steaming on the stove.

"You know," Goku purred around his chopsticks, "I think this calls for a celebration. I mean, we had a nice sightseeing tour and it all has ended well and we are going home."

"You blew up the Sphinx," Vegeta reminded him.

Goku's face took on a painful expression. "Please, let's forget that horrible incident. My conscience has taken a heavy blow. It tears at my heart every time I think about it."

"Oh? I was sure you lived by the credo "Live your life to the fullest and never regret anything"? I mean you're always happy-go-lucky… Well, except for this story. But this doesn't count, we are completely out of character here anyway."

Goku raked at his potatoes with the chopsticks. He clearly was losing his appetite and his good mood. Yes, it went the opposite way with Goku. First his appetite, then his mood.

"I regret a lot of things," he admitted softly. "Like being too hot-headed in my youth and thinking only about training and leaving my sons in the care of other people. Had I known what "marriage" meant, I…"

Vegeta chewed on his potatoes. "I see. Honestly, if this is your sole regret, you are just like any other man. She has clipped your wings quite a bit, that Chichi, hasn't she?"

"Eh? But I don't need wings to fl-"

"It's a figure of spee-," Vegeta growled around the potatoes in his throat. "Are you sure you aren't pretending?"

"Well, she does try to keep me in character. At least occasionally."

"Ah, SHE again. Alright, if it's just from time to time then I can deal with that."

Goku took a few slices of potatoes from his plate. He chewed on them methodically. "Really, there are too many things I regret. You know, my wife cheated on me with Piccolo. She said I was dead anyway. Funny, isn't it?"

Vegeta stared at Goku's teary eyes for a few uneasy seconds then lowered his head and continued chewing. "I thought the damn thing was asexual," he muttered another few seconds later.

Goku scowled at him. He looked hurt. "Ass sexual. Well sure… It's easy for you to talk! I'm so freaking sorry my ass isn't so sexual!"

Vegeta chocked on his potatoes. Must be HER again, he thought after having regained his breath. "Yeah… green is all the rage, I suppose…" he drawled. "For someone," he added after some thought. "So the crabs were a small present from Piccolo? But really, I could swear he was a hermaphrodite or something along those lines."

"Ha!" Goku stabbed at his potatoes viciously. "As if. You wouldn't say that after catching him and your wife in your bedroom. And you should've seen his piccolo! It's this long!" he showed with his hands.

Vegeta's face changed colors again. "I see."

"I mean," Goku's eyes watered again, "she could have at least told me!"

"Yeah, yeah, I totally agree with you," Vegeta nodded, wondering how a talk about a celebration could have turned into this.

"Let's drink!" Goku suddenly declared. "I'm getting divorced as soon as I get back!"

"Oh?" Vegeta's mood brightened noticeably. "Yes, let's celebrate that!"

XXXXX

Twenty minutes later, the two sat at the same table but with a bottle of vodka and a pot of noodles for eats. There were a couple of empty bottles around them, which they - with their Saiyan metabolisms - had already fully digested.

"There wazzz thizzz time," Vegeta slurred, "when I trrried to kill you." He threw his arm around Goku's shoulders. "I'm sor-sorry. I rr-realy 'm."

"Which," Goku hiccupped, "time was i-i," he hiccupped again. "Which time was it?" he said as quickly as he could to get out the undistorted sentence.

Vegeta thought for a moment. He nearly started crying. "A-all of them. So sorrryyy. I suppose i-it's when you like a p-person then you t-tease him. W-well, I know I d-do get extrrrreee-eeeme at t-times. Sorrryyy."

"Ah!" Goku brightened. He raised his finger into the air victoriously. "You like me! So it'sssss a Sssssaiyan trr-trrr-tradition to try and kill the w-w-one you like?"

"N-nnot rrreally. I th-think it's just me."

Goku's eyes welled with tears. "It must have b-been so h-hard on you. I mean, y-you must have hrrr-hrrr-hurt sss-sss-so much every t-time you p-p-punched me."

Vegeta laid his head on the table and started crying loudly.

Goku patted him on the shoulder. "D-don't worry, I w-w-won't tell anyone you cr-crrried. And iffff you ever need a sh-sh-shhhhh-shoulder to lean on, I am always hrr-hrr-here."

Vegeta continued bawling his eyes out. "And y-" he hiccupped. "And yet it sss-sss-seems that you are an id-d-diot by nature…" he hiccupped. But the thought of Kakarott lending his shoulder was appealing. Bit by bit they might come to other, more important parts of Kakarott's body…

"Aww," Goku shook his head then stopped doing it immediately as he got dizzy and nearly fell off his chair. "And we w-were getting al-along so f-ffff-ffff-fine. Let'ssss not s-sss-start the n-name calling again." He scooped up a few more noodles from the pot, and chewed on them contemplatively.

XXXXX

Goku woke up panting, drenched in sweat. His eyes were nearly as wide as his gaping mouth. That had been some nightmare. Even his lower part had all but shriveled up.

"Hey," a voice wafted, cutting through the darkness, "you alright there?"

Goku shook his head and regretted the action immediately as a horrible pang shot through his skull to announce a royal hangover. "Not really; I've never had such a creepy nightmare before."

Vegeta thought for a moment. He remembered he had just had a weird dream too. But he could not remember it for the life of him. Probably it had been too scary to remember. "So what did you dream about?"

Goku scratched his head in the darkness. "Well, there's this church. And both of us are walking the red carpet towards the altar. And then I look at you and you're wearing a wedding dress. And then I look at myself and I'm wearing a wedding dress too. You know, one of those really puffy ones with lots and lots of laces and a long train? And I'm holding a bouquet of flowers. A huge one, all white roses. And then I woke up. I've never been so scared in my entire life."

Vegeta had curled up in his bed. Shivering in fear, he grunted out, "For some reason I feel my unhealthy wish to kill you coming back…"

"Mhmm…" Goku drawled. "Well, you did ask me to tell you."

Vegeta covered his ears. "You should have refused."

Goku looked thoughtful. "But really, I've never had a dream like this before. I mean it's not like I'm a transvestite or anything."

XXXXX

Baba glared at Goku through her crystal ball. "And what's wrong with playing out my dreams of youth in your head?! You'll even have a matching pair of high-heeled shoes if I want you to!"

Yamcha looked at her in horror.

TBC


	10. Part 10

**Jezboo**: So this is the last chapter of this weird fic. I hope this chapter will give you a few nice moments to laugh about :) Yup, Vegeta and Goku's relationship is evolving.  
Thanks for sticking with this fic! I think in a few months I'll start posting _Barracks_. Not sure whether you'll like it as it's Trunks x Goten and AU to boot.

**animelover6000**: I hope you'll like the last chapter :)**  
**

xxxxx

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I'm not making any money.

Warnings: Yaoi (male x male), Goku/Vegeta

A/N 1: Thanks to achillona for her support and ideas!

A/N 2: So, this is the end of this…eh…fic? I liked writing it, even though it had lasted quite a few years :D Here I put all my embarrassed smiles and snickers after having reread all my earlier DBZ fics and laughter that still escapes me when I read fan fiction in general ^_^ On the other hand, I am still the same romantic person just with some more experience in life. Nonetheless, I think I still tend to idolize so many things… But then…isn't it better to think there are things out there in the world that can make you melt inside? Just a rhetorical question ^_^

Anyway, I hope you had fun reading this mosaic collection of nearly random happenings ^_^

**Underlying Conspiracy**

by chayron (lttomb yahoo com), beta-read by Veronica

Part 10

Goku and Vegeta were having a late breakfast. Goku would still shiver when an occasional scene from his morbid dream about him wearing a wedding dress would enter his mind.

"Talking about dreams…" Vegeta spoke the words around a spoonful of cereal. He looked completely unaffected after Goku shot him a glare that could have shattered mountains. "Trunks had a dream about Christmas."

Goku gave Vegeta a long stare.

"What?"

"He actually tells you about his dreams?"

Vegeta looked insulted. "What the hell do you mean by that?" he dared Goku.

"Mmm… Well, you don't seem the fatherly type at all…"

Vegeta glared at him. "One can't spoil children too much and let them mellow out. In that case they will expect you to take care of them for the rest of their lives. One might find himself still preparing breakfast for his kids even after having retired a long time ago. I say it should be just the opposite!"

"Ah, so that's what your plan is," Goku sighed. "But I thought the Saiyan policy was to die young and stupid and in a puddle of one's own blood?"

"That's so. But I noticed that every time we land ourselves in that Hell for Infinite Losers, we end up coming back from the dead some two or three years later… I think a Saiyan here, on Earth, has an alternative."

Goku scratched his head thoughtfully. "You seem to have given this quite a lot of thought…"

"Anyway," Vegeta continued. "Trunks dreamt about Christmas…"

"You mean already? But it's still the middle of the summer!"

"I don't think people care what season it is anymore. As soon as stores start the sales, people go mad. I mean it's all good and well, but why has shopping become the most important part of Christmas?" Vegeta complained. "I mean, isn't it a day where a family…" he trailed off in silence at Goku's astonished face. The younger Saiyan had never imagined he would ever hear such words coming from Vegeta's mouth. "Alright, so do you want to hear what Trunks dreamt or don't you?!" Vegeta yelled at him, his face all crimson.

"Sure, sure," Goku nodded rather too enthusiastically, putting his hands forward and leaning away from the murderous vibes.

"So he dreams of this old fat guy with a white beard in red clothes. He has a bag over his shoulder. As usual, Trunks walks over, sings some song and waits for his present to be handed to him. Instead of his usual new shiny toys, the old fart gives him a cookie. Trunks waits for more but that's it. No more presents. The fatty sees Trunks waiting and says: 'It's an economic crisis. I only managed this.'"

Goku scratched his head. "And?"

"What 'and'? He was crying for three hours straight after waking up!"

In distress, Goku started to chew on his already abused tail. "Man, if the richest family in the world has nightmares like this…"

Pulling Goku's tail out from between his teeth, Vegeta nodded seriously. "I tell you. I've even started thinking about selling my woman's car. Well, it's just to buy home theater, but anyway."

"I suppose she doesn't know about your plans yet?"

Vegeta grinned evilly.

"How much horsepower does that car have?"

Vegeta thought for a moment. He was not an expert in those things. "I'm not sure about horsepower, but it would equal about 700 light bulbs, 33 teakettles and an iron."

"I see," Goku nodded. "It's a very fast one. Mine is 600 bulbs, 3 teakettles and an iron."

"Sounds economical," Vegeta nodded. "Yeah, thank gods for cars and planes. Especially for cars, otherwise people would long ago have over-flooded the Earth."

Goku sighed but withheld his comments. Instead he sat silently, munching on his sandwich and musing. "Vegeta?" he asked a few minutes later.

"Hmm?"

"Were you serious?"

"Hmm? About what?"

"Yesterday. I think you told me you liked me."

Vegeta blinked at him. "I did?"

"I'm not exactly sure but there was something about you wanting to kill me because you liked me."

"Oh, that."

Goku watched Vegeta eating his cereal. "You know, I think I like you too," Goku admitted. "And probably have liked you for quite some time now. I just didn't realize it before."

"That's nice," Vegeta nodded.

Smiling happily, Goku watched Vegeta eating his breakfast. "Really, and why does everyone go for drama?" he muttered reproachfully. "Shouting and screaming, bulging their eyes out in surprise, crying and all that. It's bad for one's heart."

"True, true," Vegeta agreed. "You must look after yours."

Goku gave him a blissful smile again. "It's so nice to hear my health is important to you."

"Mhm. But you just wait till I'm finished with my cereal," Vegeta muttered around another spoonful. "I'm rather good in bed."

Excited, Goku nodded. Nothing could interfere with a Saiyan's meal. "So, whose idea was it to send us to look for a non-existent flower?" he asked a minute later.

"Not sure. But the lube and the condoms were surely my Woma-," Vegeta fell silent at the look Goku gave him. "I mean B-B-B-B-B…" Vegeta blinked then tried again, "B-B-B-B…"

"Alright, let's take it slowly, one letter at a time," Goku offered him a sharp grin. "But there aren't that many sexists nowadays. I'm sure you'll change your ways. With my help – I'm all for equal rights. Except for a few minorities, like pink lizards and especially Piccolo. Maybe a few others."

Vegeta grunted something out around his spoon. "So as I was saying," he said after swallowing, "those were B's idea."

"I see," Goku nodded. "And I thought that there was something going on between her and Yamcha."

Vegeta refused to react and spoil such a perfect moment. He spooned up the last of the milk in his bowl. Then he lifted his head to give Goku a promising look. "Kakarott, go take a shower. We are in for a long day."

Goku decided that it would be about time to blush which he did. Vegeta thought that red matched his orange gi quite well. Once Goku disappeared in the doorway, Vegeta started setting the mood. First things first, he washed the dishes. Then he went to his room and took his clothes off. A few moments later he decided that standing stark naked in the middle of the room was not really his idea of seduction. And there was already a much better idea blossoming in his head.

A bit later he shyly slid onto his bed, his face covered in an embarrassed blush. He curled up with his tail drawn between his legs to modestly cover his indecency. His eyes teary and sparkling innocently, he waited.

Goku meanwhile had returned from the bathroom and was staring at the older Saiyan, wide-eyed. "What's with that vulnerable position?"

A lone tear slipped down Vegeta's cheek.

Shocked, Goku stepped back into the bathroom. "Ve-Ve-Vegeta, a-a-are you crying?!"

Coyly, Vegeta's lower lip trembled. "Oh, this is what I've dreamed about for such a long time. I've wanted you so much. And I'm so afraid. Be gentle, Kakarott. I've never…" Vegeta blushed fiercely. "I've never…oh, I'm so embarrassed… my virginity is in your hands…"

Goku rolled his eyes. He crossed his arms and leaned against the bathroom door. "Yeah, right. And Trunks was born from the Holy Spirit? What the heck are you playing at?"

"Shh! Goddamnit!" Vegeta hissed at him. "All ukes are innocent and it's always their first time! Do you want the ratings of this fanfic to go down?!"

"Oh." Goku gasped. "Right! It's all about ratings! Well, we can role-play if you wish. I'll be a seme, a possessive and horny teacher (because we know that all teachers are like that), and you will be…a cute thirteen year old student of mine? But…still…" Goku's eyes hardened. "If you start crying to express some immense joy or catharsis while being fucked, I will hit you."

"Mmm…" Vegeta raised his hand.

"Yes?"

"Can I faint from pleasure?"

"No."

Vegeta raised his hand again.

"Yes?"

"Can you be the one to pass out?"

"It wouldn't be in character. I'm a lustful old geezer who's had tons of experience in doing his students, so absolutely no."

"Ah. I see."

Goku waited for more questions to come but Vegeta seemed to have gotten the idea. He was shyly blushing while drawing something with his fingers on the white sheets. Goku scratched his head. Was he supposed to jump his student right away?

"What are you standing there for, idiot?" Vegeta hissed softly. "Now's about the time to throw in some trite phrase about me being a bad, oh so very bad boy for wanting it so much."

"Oh. Sorry. Slipped my mind completely."

Goku approached the bed. He stared at Vegeta. "I don't think I can do this after all," he admitted a few seconds later. "It clashes with my moral views. You're underage. You're nearly the same age as our sons."

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Vegeta threw his hands up. "I'm an adult and I'm even older than you! We're just pretending! Now say how pale and smooth my skin is and how you can feel the innocence pouring off me!"

"Alright, alright," Goku squirmed. "Your skin is so pale and smooth, and…well, what was that about innocence?"

"Oh gods," Vegeta rolled his eyes. "It's pouring off me."

"True," Goku nodded. "It's pouring off you. I don't think there's much left of it."

Vegeta rolled his eyes again. "Alright! Let's take this seriously or we'll never get there." He grabbed a sheet and kneeled on the bed, covering himself shyly. He looked at Goku with teary eyes. "Sensei, sensei! What's this feeling? Oh what's happening to me? Oh, my body's so hot! Sensei, I think I have a light fever!"

Trying to appear as seductive as possible, Goku shifted awkwardly from one foot to another. "Ehh… Then sensei will have to examine you?" he half asked, half suggested.

"Perfect!" Vegeta gave him a thumb up. "Oh, sensei," he moaned, "I'm burning up! I am a virgin, an oblivious thirteen-year-old, and I have no idea what's happening to my body! Oh sensei, hurry up! I need you!"

Goku swallowed loudly. "Sensei will help you," he muttered, sitting down on the bed. "You poor virgin student of mine. I'll make it all feel better." He blushed thickly as Vegeta pressed himself to him.

"Oh sensei! Sensei!"

His face all seriousness, Goku started his examination. "Hmm… the forehead seems a bit feverish. Ooo? The mouth's kinda wet. Oooohmm? Is this a tongue? Oooh, what's that hand doing down there? Oh, that's my nipple you're touching. I think it's my tail."

"Oh right!" Vegeta slapped himself on the forehead, pushing Goku off him. "I nearly forgot! A tail!"

Goku looked at Vegeta's brown puffy tail then turned to look at his shaven and still reddish appendage. "What about it?"

"I heard it's an erogenous zone for all Saiyans. I think it's kind of a custom to only touch it before the big bang."

"Really? More erogenous than there?"

"Well, I think the result is the same whether you hold a Saiyan by his tail or by his other tail. I also heard that it emits loads of pheromones."

"Ah," Goku nodded. "I heard somewhere that we should bite each other. On our shoulders preferably. Something about an eternal bond or something."

Vegeta, measuring Goku from head to toe, looked at him carefully. "I think I'll pass that bit about eternal. Isn't there some trial period? Like biting each other on ears or ankles first? Well," he smiled sheepishly at Goku's insulted face, "I mean, eternity is a long time after all..."

Goku gave him a sharp look. "Anything else I should know?"

Vegeta shrugged. "Not really. I don't believe that bit about heat anyway."

Goku leaned in to kiss him. Vegeta turned his head to the side. "Sensei…" he muttered shyly. "Do you love me?"

Ah, Goku thought, so we have come to this part. "Of course, sensei loves you. You're one of some two hundred, and we met just ten minutes ago, but you're the only one that sensei loves!"

Vegeta looked at him. "Hey, you sure know the rules pretty well. You sure you haven't done this before?"

"Mmm…" Goku thought for a moment then he shook his head. "No, I don't think so."

"Alright, let's continue."

Goku leaned in again and Vegeta, fluttering his eyelashes, leaned away. "Oh, no, no," he timidly muttered. "Sensei, what are you doing? We shouldn't… Should we?"

Pissed, Goku raised his head. "Goddamnit, Vegeta, will we get to sex finally?!"

"But I am a delicate flower, sensei!"

"I'll pluck off that flower of yours right away! A man can only take so much!" Goku growled out, trying to peel the sheet off Vegeta.

"Oooo," Vegeta nodded enthusiastically. "I like it when you're aggressive! Do it more!"

With all his might Goku grabbed the sheet from between him and Vegeta and tossed it away to the floor, leaving Vegeta naked. Then Goku started peeling his gi off.

"Oh yes! Oh yes!" Vegeta approved eagerly. His eyes widened at the blissful sight that he had dreamt of for about three years. Really, it was true that a man could only take so much.

"Gah!" Goku gargled as Vegeta pounced on him, shoving him down to the floor. "But you're a weak virgin student…"

"Ah, fuck the ratings! Spread your legs, Kakarott."

**T****HE END**

Finished 04.16.2009


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